Depraved

Good Bye Blog

2006-02-14T00:24:00.001-08:00

I've decided to take down this blog. After careful analysis i decided its not good for me to think that everyone wants and needs to read about my personal life. Living in the city gives one a big ego and an inflated sense of self importance. Blogging does nothing but add to my growing self awareness and I think i need to be vigilant about growing spiritually and intellectually, especially in this denizen of masturbatory self-obsession.

So, in short, Im just leaving this message to say good bye and then im going to take it down in a week or so. This has got to be, in some way, unhealthy for me.

course i'll still probably pop by to say hi now and then on that other one, 'wild child playground'. I wouldnt want you guys to miss me too much.

Sex With Girls

2006-02-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

Is so damn good.

Not that I've had any lately. Here's the thing...vaginas are just so damn cool. Your own is a little creepy, though. I mean, I don't really get guy's obsessions with their own junk. I find nothing sexual about my own bits. But you have to admit, the subtle intricacies surrounding a woman's body is, even on a subconscious level, really sexy.

Having said that, I don't think I would ever date a woman. Simply because of my personal experiences with the difference in the way men and women's mind work. For instance, around the attitude of the relationship. On more than one occasion I've sat around with a bunch of girlfriends, dishing on how lame the relationship is, or listening to someone else dish, about the fundamental problems in their relationships. And their male partners are always blissfully unaware until one day BOOM! the bomb gets dropped. So I'm starting to think that maybe women just anticipate possible situations beforehand more often and thereby internalize one of those scenarios while men tend to deal with the real and current. Maybe I'm wrong? Don't hate me for this.

So I think that me, for instance, dating a woman would be a problem because we'd both deal a lot with the possible and we'd probably both have a lot of secret thoughts, even if we talked. Because I talk to people all the time, but I always have secret thoughts, sometimes pertaining to that exact person or situation. It doesnt make me two faced but it's because im always operating on several different levels, a few of which are hypothetical.

I kind of take solace in the way the male mind deals with things sometime. And I'm not just going to limit this to gender because for sure there are women who think more in the here and now and men who operate more in the possible and hypothetical and future, but in my experience they usually conform to genders.

What do you think? Do you think that gender plays a role in the mental?

And the Award For Lamest Porno Ever Goes to...

2006-02-01T00:31:00.000-08:00

" 9 Songs", which for some reason I thought had Maggie Gyllenhaal in it but did NOT.

GIVE ME THOSE TWO FUCKING HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK YOU STUPID LAME PORNO POSING AS A LAME ART FILM! AND BUY ME ANOTHER PORNO TO MAKE UP FOR IT! I SPENT FIVE BUCKS ON THIS SHIT!@

seriously. I have never felt so violated and embarrassed while witness a sex act before. Everything about this movie was wrong. If you liked this movie, come to Vancouver so I can have something to project my INTENSE HATRED on to!!!!

FUCK!

Like Pulling Teeth

2006-01-25T22:31:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get motivated to learn how to use my recording programs because I have a sweet soundcard and no idea how to use it. So I spent about an hour today fiddling with shit and I don't know that I made the song my friend helped me to record any better, but I did take this lame guitar distortion and make it waay better! (I dunno how, i fucked with the wave or something.)

Ok because im super lazy its my goal this week to play guitar for six and a half hours. I know that's not even an hour a day but right now im really undisciplined and when I dont feel like playing the guitar, I dont. This week; 6.5. Next week :10.

So far I'm at 1.5 and it's thursday. Wish me lucK!

Rock your ass off.

2006-01-24T08:05:00.000-08:00

I don't have much time, just these few silent moments in the morning before I scurry off to work. I'm not looking forward to the day because after the Tory victory I think it will be very stressful. More people may stop to ask what I'm out there doing for the NDP since the election is over but I think more people will try to blame us. I heard shadows of it before the election, people saying they were angry at Jack Layton for pulling the sponsorship scandal re-election thing because now the tories had more of a chance. People were SO afraid of a conservative government. Well, I guess you have to face your fears sometime.

Maybe this is what we need. The liberals were sitting on the fence, making us not entirely happy with our democracy, but too apathetic, too impartial to care or do anything except complain. I hope that Stephen Harper goes crazy in parliament. Let's see him try to reverse gay marriage and consolidate us with the US, let's see him volunteer our young men to die in other people's overseas wars. Maybe a little riot action in the streets is what sleepy Canada needs to get some fuckin' respect around here. Maybe what the Canadian people need to get some fuckin' respect is to take a little action, not something we're best known for.

I blew fire with kerosene yesterday. It was scary and awesome. I got like a five foot flame apparently. I'll take a picture somtime and show you guys. the flame moved along the stream of my breath a lot faster than when i'd used overproof rum, so i could literally see this fire moving to ward my mouth as I blew. But nothing bad happened.

Kerosene is suprisingly tasteless and non offensive. But man, does it start to burn your skin after awhile. Not in the mouth, but my chin felt raw after wiping the kerosene off it like ten times. But it's fine today so no harm done I guess.

I feel stuck. I guess it's the winter. I feel like I'm backpedalling and not getting anything done no matter what I get done. As a result, I haven't gotten much done. And what is there to do?

Step up and rock, I guess. It's never to late to rock your ass off.

AH FOR FUCKS SAKE~!

2006-01-23T22:34:00.000-08:00

What?

The conservatives won??
Oh, fer fuck's sake!

..1984, here we come (grumble grumble)

I hate bus drivers

2006-01-22T10:19:00.000-08:00

Have i ever told you how fucking much I hate bus drivers?

They are such cock suckers. They're always mean and bitter and never helpful. You ask them a simple question but because they have to deal with losers all day they answer your simple question with a very snarky "I DON'T KNOW!" Ive seen bus drivers yell at pre teens and refuse to pick them up. Ive seen bus drivers forget to let people off at stops and then show no mercy about it. Bus drivers are always just so bitchy! You're in a fucking union people youre not working at McDonald's for minimum wages so get a fucking life. If you dont like dealing with people, GET A DESK JOB.

Ok I will admit that this rant is brought on by the fact that some guy just kicked me off the bus because i forgot my bus pass. And I really do have one, and I really did just forget it. You know how much a bus pass costs every month? SEVENTY DOLLARS. You know how much a one time fare is? Two dollars and twenty five cents. For two ways thats Four dollars and fifty cents! And thats a fuck of a lot of money.

Anyway. I wanst going anywhere important so i (embarrasedly) let the guy kick me off the bus. but i've ridden the bus like a hundred times without a fare by politely asking (This was before my bus pass days) "I havent got a fare today, but may i please have a ride?"

mostly im mad that I fought the law and the law won, but whatever. Bus drivers are always bitter jerks in general. Why cant you be friendly, dammit? Most of us have to deal with jerks every day too so suck it up.

Rawk climbing

2006-01-19T08:44:00.000-08:00

I went to the rock climbing gym yesterday and there was like the hottest girl there ever! She was all kinda not-nice, almost taunting, like when I climbed up and then I got scared (man, was that a blow for my tough-girl image!) she was all like 'come on, double D! you can do it! I'm not letting you down!" but not in a nice, jockeying support way. In a mean ish way.

Man it was so hot.

I started like, flirting/teasing her back and calling her 'mistress' and stuff and then saying to my friends 'man, she's kind of mean, have you noticed?'

anyway that was a non sequiter. Actually I don't know what a non sequitor is so I hope I used that term right.

In Love With My Fucked-Upness

2006-01-17T20:47:00.000-08:00

Well,

things are going really well. Aside from never having enough time to get everything done, I'm paying all my bills and making general progress in my life. Things are proceeding in an orderly fashion. And fuck, is it ever scary. It seems like when you finally get your whole life organized you can just see it making sense and stretching out forever in front of you, and if you look hard enough, you can see your little old shrivelled self on your death bed with no debts because you paid all your bills, living a long time because you went to the gym religiously and many grandchildren at your side because you made a conscious decision to have children at the right time.

um.

Right.

so I'm feeling a void where my problems used to be. I'm feeling a gap in my personality that I used to fill with self-loathing and insecurity. I'm feeling a space that I used to draw on to write fucked up lyrics for fucked up songs.

Now where to?

Sometimes I feel like there's something in side of me that Im just on the verge of knowing that's very important but i never quite get there. Mostly because I do anything possible in my power to never, ever think. That's right. I fill my days with chores bill payments and starting new projects because thinking, for me, is a danger, deadly and motherfucking DEPRESSING occupation.

tattoo #3

2006-01-16T02:17:00.000-08:00

DSC01338
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

aaand tattoo from the front!

tattoo #2

2006-01-16T02:15:00.002-08:00

DSC01337
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

tattoo from the side

Tattoo #1

2006-01-16T02:15:00.000-08:00

DSC01339
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

the back of my tattoo

tattoos, politics and birth control

2006-01-14T18:44:00.000-08:00

ok i now have the internet again so if you dont hear from me more often it's cause im a fucker. I have no excuse now.

I got a new tattoo! Pretty soon I'm gonna post a picture of it... maybe tomorrow. Until then, you can't see! I'll just say it took three hours and hurt to fucking GOD and it's still not colored in.

I also became a supervisor at work. I supervise the NDP Campaign (for americans: The New Democratic Party.. www.ndp.ca they ROCK!)

Yeah affordable housing and protecting public health care! Actually, the NDP INVENTED our public health care system, didja know>?

I just switched forms of Birth Control. Turns out the one i was taking had some crazy kind of progesterone that was making me bitchy and it killed my sex drive. and what's the point of taking birth control if you don't wanna do it? So now i'm on the patch, which i always thought was a stupid gimmick that didnt work but the doctors tell me otherwise. Apparently its better for mood swings because it emits a tiny bit of hormones every minute of the day as opposed to the pill, which spikes your hormones after you take it and then they steadily decline for 24 hours until your next pill.

Band is actually going pretty well im really getting into it except now we're auditioning guitarists and aparently this fucking city is DEVOID of talented musicians who also have a personality and who are not cunt faced bitches.

i gave myself a bikini wax. But that experience is a post of it's very own.

XXXmas

2005-12-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

Hey

Well time plods forward steadily, christmas has come and go, I got a new juicer so now i can drink my carrots (yay)

but enough abotu that. Let's talk about my deep, dark, hatred of music. That's right! You heard me!

These days I can only appreciate good music and damn can I appreciate the hell out of it. Create some of it? Any of it? Fat FUCKING chance. Im so sick of this perpetual musical constipation. Why?

I'll tell you why. I just want someone to rock out with. And don't think I haven't looked...Ok, well I haven't looked that hard. I worried that moving here would divert my attentions from music and it SO has. I mean, i check the georgia strait and everything for musicians but do you think i have time? No. I don't even have the musical equipment! My musical equipment is in a serious state of disrepair. It sucks! And do you think i have any spare money to buy new stuff? No. Im all in debt and stuff.

Real life sucks!

I just wanna rock!
That's gonna be my new years goal! No bitching! All rocking from now on!
(Do you wanna jam with me?)

Do the House Shuffle!

2005-12-11T17:36:00.000-08:00

First of all, let me put a disclaimer on MY BLOG:

This blog is to update my friends about what has been going on in my personal life and for amused strangers to have a chuckle. In no way shape or form is it your right, random reader, to take excerpts from my blog that may have to do with other parts of my life and forward them to people involved in those other parts of my life. This blog is MEANT for my secret thoughts..SECRET thoughts, obviously not thoughts I act on or would otherwise express. Sure,they're up for the world to view, but just for fun, not to take seriously. SO MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS AND DONT JUDGE ME ON WHAT YOU FIND HERE! I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU SO GET YOUR NOSE OUT MY BI'NESS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE CHUMP !!!!

Just had to get that out.

I mean it, guys. When I'm telling you stuff, its like therapy. Its not necessarily the things i do or say in real life and it shouldn't be viewed that way.

anyway

cap'n awesome and myself and other people are house hunting. We are looking for new adequate home. But finding a place in Vancouver is so hard. Well, an affordable place. And really, what other kind of place is there?

But I digress because I havent found anything worth reporting on. I will when I let you know. Until then, I will regale you with more of my secret fantasies, wishes, insecurities, and desires that have no bearing on who i am in the public eye. I am just me, but me has about a thousand sides, just like you do, that show yourselves at different times.

Rock Starrin'

2005-12-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

Well I've been suuuper busy. Vancouver is a city overrun with about a bazillion things to do. Right now i'm working as a fundraiser, which i LOVE because I get to raise money for a good cause.

Also Captain Amazing is still taking up a lot of my time. Eventually I plan to send us through a transporter that I built with our unborn child so we can all become one...doo doo doo doo...the only problem is that i went through the transporter the other day and now I have these weird hairs growing out of my back, I'm super strong, and my ear fell off the other day...hmm...

Yes. So now I am in this band. THE BAND IS AWESOME!

I also am obsessed with the TV show DRAWN TOGETHER. If you haven't seen it yet, FOR GOD'S SAKE GO OUT AND SEE IT!

also if anyone...anyone at all...needs to purchase Cd's or shwag off me, you can email me at wearetheyouth_5511@hotmail.com

yaaay!

Federal election!

Radar Love

2005-11-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

Dude, you know what's an awesome song? "Radar Love", by ...who is it, like Gold Earring or some weird band like that? I work out side, so I get all cold and go "WE GOT THIS THIIIING, ITS CALLED RADAR LOOO-OOOVE....sumthin sumthing...COMIN' IN FROM ABOOO-OOVE!"

heh. My coworkers think I'm a little weird.

INTERNET!

2005-11-15T23:57:00.000-08:00

WOO HOO

I FINALLY have fucking internet access. I begged my roommates, telling them, it's 30 bucks a month and I'LL PAY 20!

That was the kicker, although I'll be broke from now on.

OH well!

I'm so happy becuase i had to rearrange my whole fucking room by myself to do it. Have you ever tried to move a couple pieces of heavy furniture around a room the size of a bathroom? I'll tell you...you have to move this one one inch, then hop over the bed, push thatone two inches, then hop back over the table and do it all again about fifty more times.

Although I firmly believe in like, not using people's names on the internet and talking about specific people, I must talk about my dearest new beau. For descriptive purposes, let's call him Captain Awesome.

Captain Awesome has made such a weird, huge impression on yours truly that I haven't spent a night alone in a bed in a while, mine or his. It seems we simply cannot be parted and are attached at the hip, a very unusual situation for Mistress Mokuyobi. I attribute it to Captain Awesome being not only such a cool boyfriend but also a really fun friend who likes to do things. I won't make you barf your guts out with gory details.

Let's just leave it at, damn it's weird not having the secret thought "man this guy is lame".

Fire!

2005-11-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

This one is too fucking good. I have to write it before I procrastinate.

Ok. We are doing some recording with my new 'producer' at his recording studio last night. We being me and him as we haven't really found any solid other musicians that we like yet. So we're doing some rough, preliminal recordings, fucking around with vocal harmonies, shit like that. His recording studio is pretty small, it's just down the hall from all these offices in this big building. He shares the kitchen.

So I go and put on some tea for my throat. The tea kettle is one of those plastic ones that comes with it's own base, the kind you push a button on and it heats up and then the button pops up when it's hot enough. The base is sitting on the element of the stove which no-one in that office uses anyway. So I fill the tea kettle absentmindedly and put it on the base. Now, at home, we have this old school little metal kettle that you have to heat on the element. You fill it and turn on the stove. So since I wasn't paying much attention, I put the kettle on the base which was on the element of the stove, TURNED THE ELEMENT OF THE STOVE ON and walked away.

Yep. That's what I did.

Meanwhile we are discussing things and getting ready to record. He goes to print off some lyrics in the office near the kitchen. I am doing vocal warmups. He comes back and says "holy crap, fire!"

It was about fifteen minutes. The entire tea kettle had melted and burned black on to the stove. Flames were like, literally three feet high off the stove. The ENTIRE office and the offices down the hall were all filled with smoke. FILLED. and it stank like burnt plastic.

"All you have to do to heat the water is push the button!"

whoops. My bad. So we put the fire out and set about airing out all the smoke. Apparently this office doesn't have a smoke alarm. That's good for me. it could've been a bad scene, with the firemen and what not. We managed to find a couple big fans and opened some windows, but that didn't help the stank of burnt plastic. I took an SOS pad to the stove to scrape off the blackened, charred remains of the tea kettle.

Good god. I've been in this band a week and i've already lit a fire in the studio.

Starfucks

2005-11-07T22:04:00.000-08:00

I got this new job. It's awesome. Basically I fundraise for a couple of really great charities. The work itself is well....fundraising. But other than that, it's awesome. I'm SO glad to be out of the service industry.

the only thing is that my coworkers and I take our break at Starbucks every day. One day I had fairtrade coffee (YES, starbucks has fairtrade and you can ask for it any time in place of regular UNfair trade coffee) but it's been getting cold and I work outside all day. And by cold I mean not that cold because it's Vancouver but it's been raining and on my breaks I want a hot drink when all my coworkers have drinks.

So I've been supporting starbucks. Fuck. Fuck you, Starbucks. Fuck. Why must they always go to starbucks? I must be more vigilant about NOT supporting it.

In other news, made it into this industrial goth electronic 'band' thing. It's in the formative stages but im the singer. It's not my band. This guy, who, legitimately seems to know about music and the music industry is putting it together. So we'll see. But today we went shopping to buy clothes and boots for photo shoots~! and it was awesome.

And I hear certain matronly members of Street Spirits were disturbed to read about my blog content. Heeeey...it says right there 'for depraved sexuality and random depressing shit, you've come to the right place'.

Every minute I am alive I lose my sense of decency and shame a little more. :)

Sunshine Boy Project Updates and other crap.

2005-10-30T17:08:00.001-08:00

well. I never did get with Sunshine boy. Turns out he did have a girlfriend. But I got his number! But we never ended up hanging out because....well, I don't know why really.

Now there's another project; I call him Bus Boy.

he's a bus driver. Hes like, a shift driver so he just drives on days when the regular guy takes a day off. Which means he doesn't have a route of his own. Which means that I've only ever met him twice.

I was taking the bus home a long time ago and he was driving it. he's young and cute and has an accent exactly like Postman Pat (remember that cartoon? "Postman pat, postman pat, postman pat and his something something cat"....only replace the something something with the correct lyrics.)

Anyway he was cool. I said to myself when I got off the bus, "If i see that guy ever again, I'm asking him out on a date!"

So I actually just saw him on Sunday. Well, last Sunday now. And i said, "Hey! You're ____!" and he said 'yeah...Dusty, right?"

He remembered me! Woot!

Actually I have a really great boyfriend now. So there's no point in actually trying to pursue something but since i did say that I wanted to ask him out on a date, i did. I said, 'let's go out for coffee' and I gave him my number. Come to think of it, he hasn't called me yet. Then again, I go for like a month and don't call someone I'm meaning to call. It's not a huge loss if he doesn't but that postman pat accent was really amusing! More updates to come.

meanwhile, last night I got so tanked aforementioned boyfriend had to pretty much drag me home.

Im nursing a nasty hangover today. I drank a whole mickey of wiser's to myself! Which if you think about it, is like fourteen shots of alcohol or something. I think that's pretty good. Not that good if you throw in the fact that most people in my family are alcoholics and I should be able to drink like two mickeys based on that fact alone.

Phone Sex

2005-10-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

Well, its been a long long time without internet access and very little money. So my blog postings have suffered.

I have little time to say anything now, save that my job, which consisted of serving various vegan foods with weird names, became unbearable. This was because my boss was a jackass of considerable proportions. In the end, I told him so.

I pointed my finger in his weaslly little face and said (very loudly) "YOU'RE A JACKASS~!"

Then i had to find another job. My first choice was Phone Sex Operator. They actually had a wanted ad in the paper. And i Would be happily jerking off fat old men verbally right now if not for one thing;

apparently, if you don't have a job or a credit card, Telus charges you a 12 month 200$ deposit fee.

I said "fuck that, i don't want to be a phone sex operator that bad"

so now I do fundraising for Doctors Without Borders. That means that I try to talk people into parting with their money for a good cause. And let me tell you, people do NOT want to part with their money at all, let alone for a good job.

Also, I have become a model on WWW.UBERSLUT.COM

I highly advise you to become a member to this website (only $12 canadian a month, i think) Where you can see many hot picture of me in various states of undress. Also with other girls. But don't look for me, Mokuyobi. Look for my counter-part, Candy Cannibal. She's ripping up dead bodies and fucking punk chicks near you...

I want to post a little teaser here but i think all the pictures belong to uberslut and I can't. Not sure. Oh well. Do it. Now. Next week I'm doing another set in a graveyard, and one in front of the church of Scientology!

Life is good, my friends.

The Sunshine Boy Project+

2005-09-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

So many things happen to me. I want to tell you guys. Maybe i'll get internet next week or next month and then I can actually write it. Until then, let me just say that I'm very excited for the midnight premier of Corpse Bride at the East Van cinema!

This guy comes into my work every day. Well, almost every day. All the girls have been trying to bag him for SO long. He's really good looking but super-stoic. He's always just like 'give me my salad.'

Anyway, when I said to someone "hey, that guy is really cute' they were like "dont even try..we've ALL tried. He's SO not having any." iwas like, fuck that.

So after a month of making petty conversation in JUST the right direction, not just any small talk but carefully crafted small talk, I brought up the subject of beer. I said "we got so hammered last night...you should come out with us sometime" and he was like "yeah maybe"

and im like "yeaaa.....that's one"

Sometimes i kind of ignore him when he comes in like 'im too busy working for you', not that HE ever tries to make small talk with me, but sometimes i talk to him. Last week I told him we went to the Astoria and said "do you ever go there?"
"yeah somtimes"

"yeah...that's two"

So two days ago, I says to him "If you want to come hang out with us and drink beer this weekend, you should write down your number. If you dont' want to ....then dont." and i walked away. And he wrote down his number. That's right. HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER. I don't know if this came across clearly, but this guy is Mr. Fucking Ice Princess, Mr. Stoic/Shy LeAVE ME A LONE I JUST WANT TO EAT MY SALAD BUT IM SO GOOD LOOKING. So the fact that i got his number, after countless girl employees tried and failed, is a big deal.

So anyway. The way it all ties in is that he said to me "I cant hang out this weekend..but I'd love to hang out with you some time" (he said he'd LOOOVE TO :) :) )

So on wednesday...I'm going to call him and say , do you want to go see Corpse Bride with me on Thrusday night? and he's going to say YES YES YES because I know he will because I am just that fucking good. So i will keep you all updated on that. ( The Sunshine Boy Project)

Im just a love machine..
And I dont work for nobody but you!

Spiders

2005-09-08T17:07:00.000-07:00

Dear god I don't know who still reads this as it's rarely updated. But man, this past week in particular has been wraught with stressful and busyness. For one thing, I moved into my new place. WOOO HOOO!!

it's cheap....it's in a great location....the roommates are great...its INFESTED WITH SPIDERS.

Yeah. And guess who's extremely arachnaphobic? The first night I was there, I kept finding spiders. Like, I mean, everytime my eye lit upon another place there was a spider. Big ones, little ones, hairy ones, long legged ones....now, I was meeting one of my new roommates for the first time and didn't want to seem like a freak. But literally, I could feel my heart pounding. My blood ran cold. No, scratch that, my blood didn't even run. My thoughts ran something like this "dear god how can i live here? omg there's another one....oh man...oh man...I don't want to weird Paul out but I'm choking back tears.....OMG that one's huge...don't cry...I'm freezing...shit what am I gonna do...maybe I can just kill them all and there'll be no more..no, more will come...maybe I can get a cat.....SHIT!! there's another one...fuck fuck fuck fuck"

I didn't sleep there that night. In fact I didn't sleep there all week. Last night was the first night I slept there. After I knew no one was awake, I tried to sleep. I stood in my room (there was only a mattress on the floor and I was thinking "no fucking way") freezing, shivering, my heart pounding, i was hyperventilating because I was sobbing and tears were running down my face. I was FREAKING OUT. I followed the edges of the wall to the ceiling and checked all the corners. I thought I had got them all. I checked again. Nope, there's some more. After about three rounds of "this time I think I killed all the spiders" I called a cab, at one thirty in the morning, got in the cab still sobbing, went to my friends house and woke him up, tears streaming down my face, and slept there.

But it's the only place I can afford so i've been plotting since then what I'm going to do. The reaction I had the first night was nothing short of a panic attack. But then again, I've never been in a situation where I couldn't find a place to sit down that wasn't near a spider. There was NOWHERE. Safe in that house that night. So I freaked. Anyway. I spent my time away from home calmly trying to figure out how to overcome my fear in small steps while minimizing the amount of spiders. See, it's a basement suite. I expected the occasional freaky spider. But this is out of control. The guy who lived there before I moved in didn't mind spiders and wasn't a very clean guy, and so the cobwebs built up in every corner and Charlotte and her whole extended family moved in. Guess what, fuckers, I live there now.

My biggest fear is the idea of something crawling on me that I cant get off. I cant think about sleeping on the floor in a room where every five minutes, a spider runs across the floor. They will be on me. they WILL be on me in my sleep. If i sleep with my mouth open, they will go in my mouth. The other day one ran into my friends purse and crawled around in there.

Anyway.Last night I said "i sleep here tonight, no matter what!" so first i did the compulsory three room checks. I killed every spider I found until I didnt find any more. Then I took this ant-killing powder and literally outlined my room. I piled this stuff on the window ledge, every corner, the closet, everywhere. i don't even care if it's caustic. Then I moved everything off the floor and cautiously slapped various places on the carpet, watching for movement. (Just to make sure there weren't ones on the carpet that I couldn't see). Finally, I slept, waking up at two, three, five, six, and eight thirty this morning. but the point is that i SLEPT.

At one point, as I was falling asleep the first time (I had all the lights on) I opened my eyes to see THE LARGEST spider making his way up my closet wall. So I took a boot and tried to squash him. even killing a spider for me is a big deal because it means I have to get close to it. So I pinned the spider against the wall, but he didn't die. He like, fit himself into one of the little treads on the shoe. So then he fell on the floor and I got that lovely blood-running-cold insta-goosebumps shakey feeling.

And then I said "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING THING!" and I took my huge black stiletto and I smashed him into oblivion. I love to wear those shoes when I have sex. Now i have two reasons to keep them near my bed.

I am high.

2005-08-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

not really high but pretty high. I came home and it was raining and so my pant legs got all wet. I tracked mud and wetness into the house on my shoes. I guess I should've taken them off at the door. But I didn't think of it.

I smoked some weed with my friends. On the bus on the way home, I could hear a continuous clicking sound coming from the bus somewhere, out side the window. I couldn't make out what it was but it seemed to fall in a particular cadence along with the swishing sounds of the cars passing by outside. click-click-click swwwwuuuuush, one-two-three, one-two, pause. I guess it makes it a 6/8 timing. I think.

I made it home and couldn't remember the journey.

I started getting un high so I took a gravol. One of those will make me out of it, so I figured if I was still high it would make me high and tired so I dont stay up too long tonight. It made me high and tired. I get a bodystone when I take it.

I was listening to my friend singing and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

Would you read it.

2005-08-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

Some things left yet unsaid,
Hang in the creases of my bedsheets.

Now that you have me
It's just a matter of how much to bleed me.
Find the right vein, my love
And you will drink forever

It is elusive and strange,
the pulse
and hard to pinpoint.

Oh, If only the tools were more delicate -Patience.

Now that you have me,
it's just a matter of how much you can drink.
Never mind this bitter taste,
I am never far away.

Nothing Important.

2005-08-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

I have nothing important to say today. I got up at nine to borrow twenty-five dollars from a girl I know so I could take a guitar lesson. My guitar teacher, Ed, says that it's "fucking amazing" how quickly I pick up what he's showing me. It's my second lesson; now i'm learning one of the Paganini caprices.

I quit my job at Denny's today. I value time over money, and now that I have found a home (yay!) that is relatively cheap for Vancouver, and right next to my other job at the Hippie Organic Soy Loving Refined Sugar Hating Local Vegan Food Restaurant (aka the Sweet Cherubim) I will suck it up and be po. Cause they let me wear jeans at work. Unless I get another job that pays more in which case I will happily shove my septum ring up my nose and wear a blouse.

Although taking shit from drunk people was fun. For a while.

I caught a cold again. I had pneumonia in April and my mom seems to think it hasnt gone away yet. Maybe i've got HIV and thats why my immune system licks ass. No, i don't think so. I've been steeping raw ginger in hot water and chugging it (disgusting) and eating raw cloves of garlic (also disgusting and gives me heartburn) and, of course, chicken soup. Hopefully that will start to work soon.

Nope, can't think of a single important thing to say.

-Moku Yobi

The Bathroom.

2005-08-19T22:44:00.000-07:00

The bathroom is a sacred place.

I go to the bathroom to get away from everything for a minute. It's quiet, you're alone, you can lock the door. It's where you do some of your most intimate acts. It's a totally safe space. It's usually clean, simple. You can hide in a stall when you're in high school or to get away from a stressful job for a minute. No one can deny you your need to use the bathroom.

even when it's a dirty bathroom in some dive somwehere, it's still a little quieter. You can read the graffiti on the stall walls like hieroglyphs and cave paintings.

You can just chill in the bathtub or fuck in the shower or sit on the floor. It's where you end up when you're sick and puking but somehow it's just so familiar and comfortable and safe.

The bathroom is awesome.

Pain And Bravery

2005-08-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

I keep wanting to make posts about crazy shit that happens to me, and then I don't find the time, and then something else crazy happens; today, I got a brazilian.

For the first time.

And it was something all right.

The parts I thought would hurt the most, hardly hurt at all. And the parts I thought wouldn't be so bad hurt like a fucking mother fucking fucker. The part that hurt, namely, was the mound, or you know, where you keep your little trimmed patch of pubic hair, however you choose to wear it. I figured that as this was a fleshy part of the body, it wouldn't be too bad. Oh, I was soooo wrong.

The rest of it...even the ass crack, yeah they do that too, nothing is sacred, didn't hurt almost at all. Figure that out. Anyway, I screamed just a little bit, and afterward decided that if I could take that step, then by God, I could do fucking anything. Shortly thereafter I went to work and tackled this huge job of cleaning eight month old caked food grime off the inside of the huge salad bar/cooler. It took four hours of me being actually almost fully inside the belly of this refrigerated beast, scrubbing with steel wool. I laid on the grimy floor, using a squeegie to pull old jellified food out from under it. By the end, my elbows were black and I smelled like God knows what. But I didn't mind. In fact, I wouldn't stop till I was finished. Because once you have your pubic hair ripped off the very lips of your own vagina, nothing is scary anymore.

Now it's, you know...naked. Not that I haven't looked before. But everytime I'm on the can today and I pull down my pants I can't help but stare at it. It's so weird. I mean I know everyone's is a little bit different....and it's not that my vagina in particular is like, ugly, but more like comical. It's just a really funny looking thing. I can't help but look at it, even poke it a little just to see what it'll do. What a weird contraption.

The Astoria

2005-08-12T02:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I keep wanting to post things on this blog but now I don't have able internet access so it's tough. Let me tell you, this evening, about the Astoria.

i went to the Astoria for some cheap pitchers of beer. It's on East Hastings, the notorious worse section of town. I went with a friend from work. When we arrived, people were singing karaoke. But not just any karaoke. PUNK karaoke. System of a Down karaoke. A girl got up and sang some song i didn't know, but she basically just screamed in a monotone pitch and gyrated her hips and wailed and head-banged. The audienced cheered. I was happy.

I only ate once today. At like, four thirty. So I was on an empty stomach. After two beers, I was cheering too. And here's why I enjoyed the Astoria so much.

When I was thirteen I moved from the small town of Burns Lake to the 'big city' of Prince George. I had never ridden on a public bus among other things. So it was exciting. I started going to high school. I met a guy at school who didn't actually go there; he was just hanging out, waiting for his friend. Pretty soon I was skipping most of drama class and hanging out in the hall ways with them. I though I was sooo bad. We started dating. This guy was ninteen; I was thirteen. I was still into cartoons; he was into stealing shit from graveyards; I was in love.

At the time that we dated, I was very innocent. I had almost no concept of punks, or goths, or the type of lifestyle that this guy lived. I dyed all my long, blonde hair black. I wore white makeup. I listened to danzig. I went to punk shows around town. The very first concert I ever attended was a misfits cover band show. people were puking in the parking lot, fucking in the bathroom and skanking in the most pit. I was both mystified and intrigued.

I got involved with the entire group in PG. I met most of the people who were involved in the 'punk', kind of rock and roll scene. I was never really fully accepted because i was so young and still immature in some ways, but I made friends with everyone. It was really the first time that I felt I belonged to a group.

So enough cheezy reminiscing, but after I stopped dating the guy, I sort of moved on and fell out of said group. Some people moved away, some people moved on. time passed by. When I got older, like about sixteen and seventeen, I thought back to those days where I was hanging out with drunken nineteen and twenty year olds, playing in bands, drinking their faces off, wasting time, skipping school or trying to kill time before they had to go home. I was too young to really understand it at the time but as I got older I wanted to kind of go back to that.

Anyway, at the bar tonight I saw so many people that were like ghosts from my past. I saw people who reminded me of my ex-boyfriend and his friends. My friend called them 'crusty punks', the punks who are all DIY and dirty and drunk and dont buy their shit off the internet to be cool, but actually live it.

well, im rambling. But if you come to vancouver, you can find me there, listening to drunken punk karaoke and feeling right at home.

Bloody Socks

2005-08-05T00:49:00.000-07:00

I'm still playing with razorblades.

The other day I sat around listening to Murder by Death and made a few good lines in my leg and ankle. they bled down into my sock. I left the blood there all day while I went to work. It gave me a strange sense of satisfaction, knowing that I had this dirty little secret. I'm such a loudmouth that there are very few things about me that I actually keep a secret. O faceless internet friends, you're the only ones I can tell.

Don't ask me why, I'm not sure. I'm starting to think it stems from restless boredom. When i have enough to do and im making sufficient progress, I don't want to. But right now, I'm kind of at the starting point of a lot of things and I just have to wait and wait and wait for events to unfold before me. So I get bored, finagle blades out of razors, cut just enough to get the blood flowing and then I take pictures of it on my camera to look at later.

here's the thing i dont get; I dont want to cause myself pain. I use razorblades because they're minimum effort, maximum output. I just feel satisfied seeing a series of cut marks and blood and later, old scars. I have lots of old, barely visible lines and i dont like it when they fade away. I think 'next timeI have to go deeper so they'll stay". I get satisfation from the scarring. i want to show everyone but i dont because then I know that people will take it very seriously and then I'll have to stop. I know how it is to tell people your dark secrets; they start treating you like you have problems, or like you're an ornament that needs to be handled with fragility for fear of breakage. Or, they don't take you seriously and don't believe you. The only thing worse that being talked about is not being talked about.

Seriously. I get nothing but perverse pleasure out of this experience. Am I weird?

Je Suis Jolie

2005-08-02T11:21:00.001-07:00

Ok I kinda freaked out about taking a second job but turns out everything's ok. I still work only six day a week, just pulling a double shift now and then. Things are tight all around. Vancouver is hot and full of hot chicks. I saw the hottest stripper ever last night! I went with my cousin and we both agreed; she had the most perfect body. (Is it weird that I went with my cousin?) So far only a few granola hippies and weirdos on the bus have tried to pick me up. And this one french guy. Why don't I tell you the story? It's amusing.

I came home from work Saturday night at two am to find a big party going on in my big mansion house, where I am staying until the end of august. I was sad to have had to work during the party so I was happy it was still going on. One of the guys is Quebecois, and it was his going away party, so there were lots of people speaking french. This guy is older, late thirties, and he has older late thirties quebecois friends who were drinking. Translation; a lot of sleazy picking-up going on. ;)

anyway his one friend that I had only met earlier that day was being a little bit of a party slut, saying "vous et jolie!" ( I spelled that wrong but it means "you're pretty!") and i was like 'ok.' then we played some guitar. By like four in the morning the party had moved down to my bedroom, aka the nautical room and it was me , two roommates, party slut and a few others. Party Slut pulls out like a little packet of coke and was like "look what someone gave me!" Now, I like to think of myself as all jaded and shit but actually i'm pretty innocent; i've never actually seen real coke or seen people doing it. So I was like 'whoa.'

Nobody like, pressured me to take any or anything like that. they all just snorted it. Actually they snorted it off my agenda book, which just happened to be sitting there.

The weird thing is, although I've never had the desire to do any hard drugs, when it was actually in front of me I gave it a few minutes of serious consideration. Course I had had a few by then, but I was surprised that I was actually tempted to do it rather than just like 'man, not my scene'.

I mean never say never, but in this case, most likely not anytime soon.

anyway the next day party slut apologized for being so slutty, which actually wasn't too bad because he just tried to keep cuddling up to me. It was amusing; this drunk, coked out old french musician who kept teling me "jolie jolie!" and I kept saying 'anglais seulement!' (english only). what a pair.

The next day there was like a good line and a bunch of powder left on my agenda book. I was like 'what the hell do I do with this?' and kind of just dusted the book off onto the floor.

2005-08-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

What Am I Doing.

2005-07-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

Ok.

I got a job working FULL TIME. Now, full time means, 40 hours a week. Actually, I work 20-25 hours a week. at a rate of eight dollars an hour that...like....200 dollars a week. Which is eight hundred a month. Not enough to live if im paying rent and student loans.

Now I went and got myself a weekend night job at Denny's. Why. Why did i do that? well, this is what I figured. I work weekdays every day 12-5. I don't really work weekends. that is to say, for the next 3 scheduled week (which is scheduled 3 weeks in advance) I dont have any shifts. Now, things the next few months will be very expensive so i was like 'damn i need another job'.

So I would work weekdays 12-5, and then friday and saturday 10 or 11 to 6 or 7 am, sleep all day since i dont work days.

Augh what am I doing. I dont want to work my life away! But I also know that everything goes kind of hyper fast for me and if im left without anything to do for hours, I just watch TV. I make myself so busy! But i cant afford to live otherwise! i need to pay rent, and student loans, and if i ever want to get anywhere as a musician i need to buy some fucking gear!

So like, this job seems like a good idea because im not workign weekends anyway. But maybe its too much...maybe i'll be working all the time, totally exhausted. Have I sold out? Am I slaving away to the man? am I a working class hero?

I mean I just got my first job. Maybe they want to give me more hours later on, which wont really work if i've got a second job. Maybe I should just ask to keep the hours i have and not get any more and then i can handle one part time and one half-ass-full-time job.

I JUST WANT TO BE A ROCK STAR AAAUGH

but this full time job, its like, only eight dollars an hour, no tips. at dennys i make awesome tips (I will, rather) maybe i should get a better day job. But this way i can play weekday nights and stuff. Plus if i start going to school full time I can keep the night job.

oh man im like freaking out because its so hot and I just have no idea how to make enough money to survive here, and maybe for once in my life make enough money to buy the things i need and not just get by, but at what cost? my life? I dont want to wake up one day all old and like, missign out. Am I leaving myself enough time to pursue music? I think i am. I need to make music a priority. Shit what did i just get myself into. But fuck, this one job just isnt enough, vancouver is the most expensive city in canada. Is it worth it? It's so worth it.

breathe.!
Ok apparently i cant do anything with ease, I just freak out over every little thing. Should I just go with the flow and let the answers come to me? I dont want to be quitting jobs here and there and picking them uop...I need one or two jobs long term. I need a high paying job! There's an ad in the paper for an exotic dancer, "will train"! It says. Why am I slaving away in the stupid food and beverage industry.

Life is hard. Life is confusing. Life is confusing. Life is confusing me. How do I get what I want. How do I not get caught up in the trap. This blows goats. Its so hot. I have to work in half an hour.

what do i do? maybe this work schedule isnt as hectic as im making it out to be. But maybe by accepting a second part time job im limiting my first job. But at best im still making under a thousand dollars a month. And with rent and payments and food and fucking entertainment combined that leaves me no money. not that I want money to rule my life. And it wont, once i actually have what I need. What do i need? Henry David Thoreau, help me!

Dream Come True

2005-07-23T17:19:00.000-07:00

So things have been tumultuous and good since I got to Vancouver. Aside from the random weird things, I got a cool job and the weather is great. The people are good looking. I haven't had a chance to meet too many people yet, but hey, it has only been two weeks.

Anyway, God loves me. Here's how I know;

the first CD I ever bought was 'the Devil You Know', Econoline Crush. Now, if you've ever heard of this band they had a hit song called "All That You Are". They're kind of like heavy electronically influenced rock music. This was when I was twelve. At this time, I was listening to like, Spice Girls and Alanis Morisette. Then I got EC. I totally fell in love with it and the hot, very vocally talented lead singer Trevor Hurst.

People who know Econoline Crush don't really give the band much respect, which I don't understand, because as far as I can tell the music is really good and catchy. I'm not sure why so many people don't like them. After I started listening to that, i got into other canadian artists of the time, like Bif Naked, Age of Electric and Our Lady Peace. This opened up a whole new world to me.

You know how teenage girls are about bands and guys that they like. I spent a lot of time daydreaming about meeting them, seeing them play, kicking it with Trevor. I listened to the CD so many times. I sang it all day long. I made my friends listen to it. I also lived way out in the backwoods and was all heartbroken because i lived literally about ten hours from anywhere that Econoline Crush would ever play. Also I was too young to go to any of the concerts.

(ok im almost done the backstory, bear with me)
At the time i started getting into this I was a really lonely picked on kid. And I mean, we all were, but i was really isolated and picked on. Throughout the years I really dug just chilling out and listening to this band when I was having a bd time cause they were all angry-like with the angry subject matter and whatnot.
When I got a little older I started wanting to sing. Then play guitar. Then i started singing and playing guitar, takign a lot of vocal influence from this guy.

anyway, they broke up before i ever got to seem them. Years went by, I grew up, started being less obsessive and moving more into the real world.

so me and my sister (a girl who grew up with me, rather, and knows all about my obsessive econoline crush love phase) are walking down granville. We hear 'all that you are' being blasted over the radio. I start going into how i never got to see them before they broke up, but how the guy has a new band and everything. They were playing in calgary just after i left, goddamnit. Anyway, we walk up to see whats going on. Guess what happens. Yeah. There he was.

Seriously. We just happened by, we almost continued on our way because we thought it was like, a radio being played and some other event going on. I happened to glance as we passed. I fucking flipped out. There was the guy who symbolized all my childish girlish dreams, and influenced my more mature musical ones. After seven years of wantign to meet someone and not meeting them, they sort of become more fiction than reality. It was totally impossible. Not only that I happened by when like one of the most influential people in my life (whether or not that band sucked) was playing, but also that I was with the one person who could appreciate the seriousness of this situation. What did i do? I bawled like a baby. I couldn't believe it. I was fourteen years old again.

Of course, as soon as he left the stage i went up, shook a hand, explained how weird it was that I just happened to be walking by but had been a fan since i was pre-pubescent, and got a hug. Yay! I got a hug. And some cool shwag that my sister bought for me. She's so awesome, of course she got me a shirt and a Cd and what not. She knew how much it meant to me to meet, well basically my childhood hero.

it's so funny to think about how people just idolize other regular old people. And this guy is like almost forty and enjoying only mild fame. But it doesnt matter who he is, really. He could be a jerk off for all I know. It's the act of projecting your hopes and dreams on to the shoulders of someone who can't let you down, whether that's Brad Pitt, Superman, Avril Lavigne or Jenna Jameson. It's less about who that person really is and more about your secret hopes and fears. symbolically to me this person is the inspiration to start singing, which is now like one of the pivotal things in my life. Music is so important to me and it all started with a young girl's crush on a hot musician. But on that note, goddamn is he ever still hot! And so hot in real life! even for being almost forty! hooooooly fuck. And I touched him. And he touched me. And i have proof because my sister took a picture. Im goign to post that. but first im going to post a picture to prove his undying hotness.

so basically, it was bizarre that it happened like that and with the one person who could take me seriously about it. I don't feel any different today. I feel exactly the same as every other day but I'm going to take this as a sign to continue on with music, even though things are getting kind of frusterating and going nowhere for me right now. This is the inspiration I needed to press on and live the dream. Now that one dream is out of the way I can get on to another.

Weird And Horrible

2005-07-19T15:20:00.001-07:00

There are some things I need to pre-empt this post with.

Something bizarre and horrible happened last night, and my mind has been racing all day. Since I just had a big scare with the whole GHB thing the last thing I wanna do is invite more drama into my life.

Here's the thing; when i was younger, I hid behind melodramatic problems. I used them for sympathy. I blew situations out of proportion to make people sorry for me. When I look back on on those situations, I really didnt have to exaggerate them anyway because things were kind of tumultuous. But this whole summer has been great. I've been feeling better than i've felt in a long time. ive been happy and positive and moving forward, no need to hide behind issues. I dont want have issues anymore. So i really, really don't want to acknowledge this, but it is Horrible and Very Weird.

I have to tell this story chronologically because it invovles another person. It started last year, I met this person, we hung out a few times, nice guy. We had sex. I was a little drunk. it was one of maybe three times in my life that I had unprotected sex and guess what- I got chlamydia. i can be honest about this. i was heartbroken. i felt terrible. I mean, it's curable, it went away, but I knew it was him, and when I called him to say "you gave me chlamydia" he said "what's that?" and when I explained it and told him he needed to get tested he said "how do i do that?" and i was so angry at him for being so dumb. he lived in a different city so i didnt see him after that and didnt call him. It was kind of a one time thing, we were friends but just wanted a one night stand so there was no need to talk to him any more. I was so angry that he was so stupid about it, because he slept with a lot of other girls too.

Anyway, that passed. I just moved to the city, I dont have any friends. I haven't seen him since last year but I talk to him a lot on MSN. So when i was like "im coming to the city" he was like "gimme a call, we'll hang". Ok, cool.

So I did, we hung out yesterday. we went to his friends house. All his friends were there. We hung out untill quite late. I was getting tired but was having fun and wanted to stay. i had to get up for work the next morning. At about midnight, he said, "my friends are going over to so-and-so's house, so, I can drive you home if you want (40 min) or if you're ok with just sleeping at my house I can drive you to work tomorrow (5 min away and saving me a half hour bus ride) so i was like "ok". I wasn't worried because there had been no indication that there was anything sexual between us, the VD thing was long since forgiven and forgotten, whatever.

So after the hanging out we go to his house, and im like 'where can I sleep?' and he says 'in the bed'. ok. At this point you may be thinking, "you're sharing a bed with a guy who gave you a VD and who you really, truly dont know all that well?" but you know what? i share a bed with a lot of people. And i mean, sleep. I sleep in the same bed as lots of people, so it wasnt that uncommon. I mean, we'd already slept together anyway.

Once in the bed, we kind of snuggled up. I was starting to fall asleep when he rolled onto his back and kind of pulled me over onto his chest. So now i'm like, sleeping with an arm and my head resting on his shoulder, and his arm is around me. Ok. Before I came to his house, i decided abotu what I would do if he thought something was gonna happen. Also i had told him earlier that i was on the rag, so nothing could happen at any rate.

But whatever, cuddling is fine. So i'm dozing, it's late, and he does try, at one point to kind of lean over and kiss me. I say, 'dude, no, ok' and he moves away again. im still aware at this point, making sure that he knows im just going to sleep. I couldn't really move away because we were on one side of the bed, so there was no room.

this is where things get super fucked up.

I feel him move his arm down his pants. I figure he's scratching or something. A couple minutes later I know differently. he wasn't scratching. he has pulled it out and he is stroking himself. My immediate reaction is shocked amusement. Does he know I'm still awake? I reach up and of grab him by the jaw to say 'dude, what are you doing, im right here.' No movement for awhile.

But soon he starts again. I am shocked and a little dismayed. he must think im sleeping...he's not trying to get me to give him a hand job or anything, hes got his arm around me but hes not touching me. I want to say something but if i say im awake maybe he'll want me to do something and i really dont want to start a fight since im stranded at his house sleeping in his bed.

Things go on for a couple minutes and Im starting to feel really, really uncomfortable. I should say something. Say something. Say stop. I look up at him and he looks at me so he knows im awake. I give him a look like 'what are you doing' and say'whats going on here' he doesnt reply. He tries to kiss me again. i say, "____, don't." A couple minutes later he tries to put his hand up my shirt. again, i refuse him. he goes back to what he's doing. one part of me is shocked and scared, this is weird. Another part of me is like 'it's his bed, maybe this isnt so bad, he is leaving me alone....i guess he can masturbate in his own bed" another part is just like "this is so.....so bizarre"

but now i've had enough. this is embarrassing, this is wrong. I put my hand on his chest and try to push up, but he's got his arm locked around my neck and is holding me down. oh my god. Say something. Anything. Say 'stop, this is wrong'. I froze up, what could i say? What could I say?

After a few minutes, my face burning with rage and shame, locked next to this guy, now he's moving so fast that it's touching my stomach and I don't want this, i open my mouth to say
"___, this is weird." And as I say it, he cums on my stomach.

oh my god. This is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me. What. Is going. On.

I jump up and go 'eew, you came on me', and wipe off my stomach. It's quiet for a second and then i say "that was not cool.'

What can I do now? I lay back down, farther away from him, my back to him and say 'that was weird' again.

"uh, what should i say to that'

i am quiet for a minute. i didnt speak up soon enough. Does that mean I dont have the right to b bitch at him now? I say "well...I mean, I said..."___, don't"

"oh......I didnt hear you.".....quietness...."sorry. I feel kind of stupid now."

Oh my god. what were you thinking? How did you think that this could be ok? I obviously didnt want to do anything. This is NOT ok.

earlier that night he told me this story about this girl he was on a date with. He wanst really into her. As he was taking her home she really wanted to stop, she really wanted to mess around. Finally they stop somewhere. She goes to kiss him, he refuses her and she freaks out. he was saying 'oh man last night was so bad, she was saying all this stuff like 'im nto good enough to kiss, im fat, blah balh' and I had to chase her around for like an hour'
so we all sympathize and say "thats too bad that she was so crazy"

a couple minutes later he adds that actually, he had let her give him a blowjob first, then refused to kiss her. Oh my FUCKING God!!!!!
at the time I was like "dude, that was not a cool thing to do. If you didnt like her you shouldnt have let her go down on you. And it was pretty callous not to kiss her after"
he was all like "oh, i was worried about that. really?" Looking all concerned like.

Like is this guy fucking stupid!! I can believe he doesnt know about getting tested and spreading disease. but i cannot believe he doesnt have enough fucking common sense to not let a girl he doesnt like blow him and to not masturbate and cum on a girl who obviously doesnt want him! WHAT THE FUCK .

so i said, calmly "you say you didnt know about getting tested. you say you didnt know that it wasnt ok to let that girl give you a blow. And now this...i dont know if i should believe you"

I dont know. I dont know if hes a fucking liar, or if hes actually just fucking dumb. Because he seems really sincere but im just so angry. i want to kill him. i want to punch him out and freak out and leave. He says 'can we talk abotu this later?" in a stressed tone of voice and rolls over and goes to sleep.

now its five am and im crying quietly and thinking maybe I should get up and leave, maybe I should ask him to drive me home...no, i dont want to deal with it, I know how he's gonna react if i make this into a big deal...the same way all predator guys act when they're caught in the act, they act like victims, like what they were doing was no big deal, why am i freaking out.

what they dont tell you when they teach you to take care of your own body and respect yourself is that predators and fuckheads arent these complete pervert asshole guys like you see in movies. That guy, I could sya to him "fuck off, leave me alone, i dont want it" but they dotn tell you that in real life, these guys are nice guys, often they dont even think, or rather they wont admit to themselves, that what they're doing is hurtful and wrong. They dont tell you that in school, and when it comes time to stand up and say 'no', the time passes and you dont even realize who you should've said it to.

I feel more shamed and humiliated than i have ever felt in my entire life.

2005-07-19T15:20:00.000-07:00

I Got GHB'd.

2005-07-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

Well, so much crazy shit has happened since I moved to Vancouver that i'm going to go from most recent (yesterday) to just before I moved here. Hang in for a long blog because this is going to be nothing, nothing but class.

Yesterday I worked as a production assistant on the set of 'Doctor Dolittle 3'. My cousin who does it full time got me the gig. I stood outside from seven am to nine thirty pm telling people 'sorry, they're filming a movie down this street, can't walk down it just now' and i got to talk on a walkie-talkie and say shit like 'go for dusty, i need a ten-one'

I got badly, badly sunburnt. My face is like a beet.

The night before that, I went out with my cousin's roommate, B, and met up with an old friend at the bar, C. We had four drinks over about an hour and a half- two shots, and two highballs. For me, that's not that much. We took our third highball to a table and went to dance. And i mean, we danced right next to the table. We sat with our drinks behind us. I went to the bathroom and left C sitting near our drinks. B spent all his time outside smoking. At this point, i was drunk but not plastered. C said she had to go. I finished my drink.

After that, I was suddenly vomiting out the window of B's car. I don't remember leaving the club, I don't remember going to the car, and I don't remember feeling sick or rolling down the window, just suddenly there I was, mid-vomit. Next thing, it is two hours later and I'm in B's backseat with a blanket over me and he's driving. Now, just before you jump to conclusions, it wasn't B. He was out the whole time smoking, and he thought i was just drunk. We had left the club, and on the way to a beach party I started ralphing. At the beach I got in the backseat of the car and stayed there. I don't know how long we were at the beach, maybe an hour or so. B got lost on the way home or somethign because it took us a long time to get there. I remember waking up in the back of his car, nearly home. Now, at the time, I thought i was wasted. I remember saying "holy, I'm soooo plastered". Not very much is clear. However, I wasn't that drunk when I had my last drink. How could I have gone from sort-of drunk to blacking out and throwing up? I spoke to a drug and alcohol counsellor I know, he said its common that if you get it in your drink after you've had a few already, it can cause you to throw up. He said I probably threw up most of it before it fully took effect, because I wasn't out for that long...about four hours. The next morning I didn't have a hangover at all....if I had been that plastered, I would've been soo hungover. I kept getting dizzy spells, but other than that, I was fine. B didn't realy know what was going on with me and he was pretty wasted himself. now, if i had been in my right mind I probably wouldnt have been unbuckled in his backseat driving around with him. But I don't remember any of this. Although i don't know him that well, I know it wasn't him. Also, I know that nothing bad happened to me while I was out because, you know, I'd feel it, or something, the next day.

So I started staying at my cousin's house, which is a mansion. And by mansion I mean they have their own private tennis court and gardener. I sleep in the nautical room. Its the basement, but the walls have portholes with pictures of the ocean in them. The end of the room there is a curved bar, it really seems like you're ina ship or something. Anyway, I also got a job my second day here...I work at the SWEET CHERUBIM NATUAL FOODS STORE, in the cafe part. I sling organic, vegan, soy, tofu foods and all kinds of weird and spicy dishes i have never heard of...pakoras, chutney, khitcharee, papadum.

Now, I arrived in Vancouver with my friends to see the warped tour on Monday night. It was a couple that I know, let's call them Kyle and Anne. I knew them from Kammy. K and A had spent some time plotting how to get me in bed with them, which really wasn't necessary because I went willingly anyway. So we had a little fun history togeter. Also, anne's sister was there, and three of her friends from another province. We stayed at a hostel, which was like one big open room with little dorms and bunkbeds. In the morning, Anne said, "well, im going to masturbate in the shower now" joking, I said "can I come too?" she was like "ya sure!', then sat around and bullshat for awhile. When she actually got up to go, Kyle was like "hey bring dusty with you, go make out in the shower' it was a funny, running joke, right. Actually, Anne is so hot; shorter than me, slender, small-ish breasts with nipple rings, cute, punk, attitude, dark skin, dark eyes.

Me, her and her sister all head off to the shower. Her sister gets in one shower; she and i in the other. For awhile, we shower. Although Anne talks a lot of shit, she is actually pretty shy when we get right down to it. So we're talking to her sister in the next shower, I'm thinking 'dammit! does she actually want to or was she just joking! I wish she would be more clear! So I casually start soaping her up. Her sister continues chattering. i move in for the nipple ring. We get it started. her sister is singing. I'm fondling her breasts.
Her sister gets out of the shower and sits on the bench across from us still talking. I'm thinking "leave already!" We giggle and rub a little more soap on each other. She finally gets the hint and takes off

(disclaimer; to the other pretty girls in my life, that we never had the chance; i still heart you. I heart you.)

So I went down on her in the shower. Im not going to go into details except that it was way more difficult than i expected. First of all, the shower floor was uneven concrete (ow for my knees). She's shorter than me, so I couldnt really get down low enough (she was standing up). Now, I see people do this in pornos all the time but i've never actually tried to do it, to a chick standing up that is. The shower was on, which seemed really hot but like the water just got in the way and got in my eyes and shit. So i said, 'no more shower, we're clean" after that things ran more smoothly. The day was off to a good start.

We got to the warped tour around one, and they were searching people at the door. The guys had mickeys strapped to their thighs (with tape, ow) So we went back out, stood in the forest and tried to chug whisky...no chasers, not even water. As you can imagine, none of us drank that much. I think i drank the second-most, I got about half my mickey down. Once inside, I was totally drunk from drinkign so much so fast, and then we smoked weed. And yet I remember everything and i was still in control and not even close to puking, unlike Saturday night.

actually im tired of writing so i'll go into Warped Tour details another day. Suffice to say my adventures in vancouver have alreayd been varied and numerous. I didnt get raped (yay) I did get sunburned. Also i got a cell phone (BOOO) because there is no house phone where im stayin. I never, never wanted to get a cellphone, but necessity dictates otherwise. Oh well.

Dennis, Not Denny's

2005-07-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

I have a terrible fever and I feel like shit. And I just realized something today.

When I was a kid I used to read books by that one chick, I don't know her name but it's like A Wrinkle In Time, A Wind In The Door, etc. I'm sure you know. Everyone read them in grade four. well, I did anyway.

Anyway I just realized something. Theres this one book where Meg's two twin brothers go back in time to the biblical time. They're like, with Noah before the flood. The book is actually pretty cool as I remember it, granted I was like eight, but anyway the two guys names are Sandy and Dennys. Now, I was thinking about it today because I caught a fever and I was thinking about how one of them got heat stroke really badly and rubbed all his skin off and nearly died and had to be cared for and like rehabilitated by the pre-flood people right. And then I was like "I think that was Sandy. Not Dennys." Now, when I read the book because I was young first I just read the name as "Denny". Then I realized it had an S that I was always just skipping over so I started reading in my head as "denny's", like the restuarant Denny's. I just figured it was some weird name. Then as I thought about it today, I realized it was Dennis, only spelled with a Y instead of an I. And all this time I had been thinking "Denny's"! How embarrasing. Don't ask me why I havent read those books in like over ten years. But what a stupid way to spell Dennis. Did the author think she was being clever. Well screw you!

ohh i have to lie down for awhile.

And The Award For Lamest Villain Goes To: White Noise

2005-07-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

Ok seriously what is up with those three black shadow men? At first it was creepy but then it just got old.

Anyway.

Yo

2005-06-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

dusty]
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

Yo man. Wassup?

Tight White Pants

2005-06-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

I forgot to write about this when it happened.

I saw the cutest little thing on the bus. She was waiting for the bus with her big dumb-looking jock boyfriend. She was wearing a shirt (I can't really remember the top of her so much right now) but these incredibly tight white stretchy pants. And I mean tight in a good way. Now, at first I was just kind of staring at them from where I was sitting because she had this cute little butt. And I was thinking, 'that's a very cute butt'. And then I noticed that underneath these white pants she didn't have any panty lines. That means no panties.

I was like, "whoa. That hot chick isn't wearing any panties."

She was really cute too, she had a pretty face, (no boobs as far as i could see) but she made up for it all in the behind. I guess when you're standing waiting for a bus not wearing underwear you don't really think of who's checking you out.

Most of the time I don't wear underwear to work because my pants are too loose, and the top of my underwear is always showing. That's inappropriate, apparently. People are always like "your underwear is showing."

Stupid underwear anyway.

Pants On Fire

2005-06-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

So, I'm doing a bad thing. Well, it's no so bad in the general context of things but when you're there it's kinda harsh.

I moved to calgary to get a job cause I'm broke. I'm moving to Vancouver soon. So of course I didn't tell them that when I got the job. Now it's time for me to quit. The thing I don't like about this situation is 1) I know that it costs a lot of money to train someone and when they just quit it totally screws you over, and 2) the people at my work are soooo nice.

Now, I seriously do have morals. And i feel bad screwing them over. This really isn't me, but when you need money you need money right. After careful thinking about how to quit the job without leaving them short-handed and seeming like a bastard I decided to go (with the input of my sister-in-law) with the excuse that my mom fell down and broke her hip and needs help. Sorry guys, I really wanna stay, sorry to have to leave so soon after I started but I have no choice and I'll be gone for a long time, who knows if I'll come back.

The only problem is I still feel like such a bastard because everyone is so nice that I know they're all going to be really concerned. I have the rest of the week scheduled so I'll say that I can stay up to five days if they need me (as my mom's friend can help her for that long) but I really have to go. That way, they can fire me, or keep me for a week since I really don't want to just leave them short-handed. With the amount of people in this city I'm sure they can find a replacement in a week.

But they're sooo nice. There's this one girl that I worked with today who is just a sweetie-pie, she's leaving for Guatemala to do charity work and so they're going to be double-short handed. And she's so nice I know she's going to be like "aaaw I hope your mom is ok, I'm so sorry".

I feel like telling her. But I don't want to blow my cover. I know if I tell even one person then everyone will probably know, and although this is not like a major thing in my life, I just want to get off scot-free, OK?? But I feel so bad about telling such a whopper of a lie. But I also don't want to just screw them over, they're so nice. Bah!

Anyway, I almost told this girl today because I know she's going to be like, offering me support and shit when I say my mom got hurt, but I decided against it. I remembered how, for a while, I entertained the thought of going somewhere and totally just playing the part of someone that i'm not. And while in my stay here i didn't really play anyone but myself I can still act this part out.

Seriously. I've always wanted to like, move somewhere, and become someone I'm not. Take a different name and everything. If i did that, I would try to fuck with people's heads on purpose. I would be evil. I would start petty cat-fights and fuck guys over till they didn't know which way was up (mentally, you perverts) just to see if it could be done. of course, I won't. I can't even quit a stupid job without feeling guilty. I bet it's because I was baptized Roman Catholic.

Anyway so I decided against it even though I feel bad lying to her, especially. Yeah, that's right, I'm a sort-of bad-kind-of person. I do sort-of bad kind-of things.

The Pipes Are Moaning

2005-06-27T01:23:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid of the dark. No kidding. Right now I'm scared to go back to sleep because the pipes in my brothers house make a weird noise sometimes and they're moaning and groaning really loudly. Also I get scared of spiders in the dark (well not just in the dark) but i got scared that there could be spiders in the couch and that they would crawl up on me. This is pretty common for me. No matter where I am if I have seen one spider in or around the domicile everywhere then there is nowhere I can sleep that is not tainted. There's no where that is not prime spider territory, where hoards of the eight legged hairy bitey things are waiting till I am sleeping with my mouth open to crawl in and around all my orifices. They may get in my ears. They may crawl on my eyes or in my clothes. I won't be able to get them off because spiders are really fast. In fact now that I'm talking about it I'm mostly ensuring that I won't get back to sleep anytime soon.

I'm scared of the boogeyman. No kidding. I'm scared that in the dark or through the window I will see the ghostly form of something terrifying. Maybe ET. ET is so scary. I used to have nightmares about seeing ET in the dark. Right now just talking about it I am afriad to look to my left. Waking up in the night puts me in a very, very vulnerable state of mind.

The spider thing is pretty common with me. I used to wake up and have to get up, strip my bed and search my entire bed, room, and body for spiders before I would go back to sleep.

I had a lot of problems sleeping a few years ago when I was seventeen-ish. Don't tell anyone this, but some nights I would just get up and go sleep in my mom's bed. It was bigger, more comfy, and that's where her and both the cats and the dog slept. Much safer. Now, I'm a big fan of sleeping with other people, not just one's mom. I sleep much better with other people so I don't feel bad about still running to my mom's room in the middle of the night.

But seriously right now I wish I could do that because this house has big dark windows on an old scary couch probably full of spiders and these weird pipes which could make that loud scary noise any moment now....

Scratchin' It

2005-06-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

Man. There is nothing better than getting home from a long night of partying, pulling off your sweaty dirty clothes and just having a good five-minute scratch. You know where I mean. The greatness of just having a scratch by yourself is underrated. Especially when you're drunk and you've been wearing tight pants (damn the tight pants)

oh yeah. That's the spot.

La Cita

2005-06-23T23:58:00.000-07:00

Ok ! Since apparently almost nobody cares about the holiness of F#A#oo, I shall move on to the next topic.

The Date, or "La Cita", In spanish.

Now, I have always been extremely uncomfortable with the idea of dating. Back when I was in grade school a guy that you liked asked you out and then you were just automatically dating and holding hands and shit. After high school he didn't ask you out, you just start hanging out and start with the kissin' and hand holding and then you're just dating. Now, I have probably been on one or two dates but blacked them out purposely. Not because they went badly but because I found them so. So. Awkward.

I've had already-boyfriends try to take me out on formal dates. I didn't like this because we had always been operating on an informal level. Also I have always been very uncomfortable with just letting someone pay for me, especially when i'm supposed to order food. How expensive of food is ok to order? Should I order what they order? Should I order something cheap? I don't really want to spend all their money.

So my boyfriends would try to take me out on a few occasions when really I would've rather stayed home and watched movies. But here's why it didn't work; my boyfriends were always somewhat submissive. Don't ask me on a date and then have no ideas of what to do, or just ask me what I wanna do, where I wanna go. Ask me on a date and have a plan, man! Don't just go halfway.

This all started because a perfect stranger asked me on a date. Now, the exact words were "do you wanna hang out something?" however, they were preceded by "do you have a boyfriend?"
so its like, do you have a boyfriend? No? do you wanna hang out sometime? What conclusion should i come to about this person's intentions. Now, said person seems pretty OK so what could I say but "sure why not" I mean, I'm not commiting to anything serious and I've got no better way to spend my time so sure.

Said person. Is so. Quiet. Said person does not talk. In preparation for long awkward silences, I drank two double rum and cokes and talked continuously. Later I felt kind of stupid for just babbling on and on without really listening to myself but on the whole I'm generally kind of witty so I'm sure it was ok. And I figure that this person is kind of shy and being that he doesn't say much probably doesn't like to hang with girls due to aforementioned long awkward pauses. I figure said person probably felt OK with 'hanging out' with me because I take care of all those seamlessly. So I'm just going to let the nonstop talk go. Even though I talked about my cousin who's a beared lady in the circus and how I stole a fetus from the pro life table.

Anyway. I paid for my own drinks because person wanted to meet at a pub. I am very uncomfortable. I don't know this person who doesn't say a word and we are sitting in a noisy pub drinking. I paid for my own drinks because I ordered two doubles. :)
I said "I want to leave this pub," and he said "well, we could check out the movies"

Casual meeting becomes formal date. Ok. I let him pay for the movies. Your idea, you pay.
Now, said person was perfect gentlemen with the door opening and the not trying to get touchy feely in the movies but considering he didn't really talk I could not ascertain his motives. did he really just want to hang out? Should I just keep acting all buddy-buddy like I do with all guys? Should I act like a girl that he's interested in? Frankly, I'm not interested in anything more than a friendship, especially with a nontalker. Been there, done that. Should I behave like a girl who has manners and can be grateful for a date but distant enough to send the message "don't try it, i'm not interested?" How can I figure this out when the guy doesn't say a damn word?

I smoked two cigars. I smoked continuously. In fact I was pretty nervous, mostly because I DIDNT know the intention. However, as nothing creepy happened (and it has happened in the past, with the inappropriate comments and propositions and whatnot) I had a pretty OK time. In fact, I met this other guy, cute mexi boy, who invited me out the same night to a club. But i just got that feeling, you know, like I may have gone with him and his friends and been treated in a manner that was not to my liking. So I was kind of glad I made the decision to stick with the plans i'd already made.

But all is said and done, I'm a little relieved that things went smoothly if someone one-sidedly, and I don't think that dating is just an impossibility for me. let me tell you my perfect date.

Now, dating dating, the formal kind, is possibly with a casual hanger-outer like me but only if the asker is COMPLETELY CONFIDENT and HAS A PLAN. I want to be asked out on a date by someone who knows what we're doing. This person should act confidently with their money so that I don't feel bad about letting them pay. Like grab the check right away and insist, but in a way that makes me feel like I'm not imposing. Be like "no no, don't worry, I got it."

Take me out somewhere, maybe check with me if that's what I wanna do, but don't just ask me what I wanna do. If we're going somewhere to eat and i've never been there before, suggest something good. Ask me what I want to eat and order for me. That's right! I'm old fashioned!!
MAKE CONVERSATION! ask me questions and keep the conversation flowing. Say something interesting, for god's sake. Try to make me feel relaxed. At the end of the night, let me know where we're at. If you're interested and you think I am, make some eye contact or a little hand contact or something. If not, be nice and be like "nice to hang out with you" and leave.

Don't make me smoke captain blacks continuously for lack of something better to do because although I like them they make my mouth taste like dirt after.

F#A#oo

2005-06-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

Stupid arcade fire. why does everyone like them so much?

Ok, anyone who actually knows me at all will know that I don't just like things because they're counter-culture. THAT'S RIGHT. The reason I don't just say I like things of this nature is because I have enough pretentious friends who condemn Nickelback and the media and blah blah without knowing what they're talking about. However, it just so happens that I really do like most things counter-culture, or whatever, anti-popular or what have you, because I get exposed to them so often and I really like diversity in music movies and life. But I will be the first to admit that anarchists are mostly soap-box hypocrites (not the good kind), there are a lot of boring 'art' movies, and that Arcade Fire is not my favourite band.

But Godspeed You Black Emperor. I never thought I would actually like them that much because they seem to be the epitome of elitist counter culture. It's like if you are familiar with Godspeed You Black Emperor you are like, untouchable. Unless you are wearing an Avril Lavigne T-shirt at the time. Anyway, I listened to them and actually started to really like them, as much for their ideology as for the actual music. Being someone who knows a thing or two but not everything about music and understands theory and cool stuff like that, I can really appreciate a band that manages to be popular with a fairly wide crowd of young people and does shit like arrange their music into movements.

So my buddy so-and-so told me that by playing the notes F# and A# enough we could reach infinity. So we tried jamming out based on those two notes and he said "whoa man, we almost reached infinity." But I know that he took that idea from the Godspeed album, F#A#00. So the idea, no matter who's it was, is that those two frequencies are holy enough to reach infinity. "Holy" is my word, you may debate it. But man, I just that so much. Do you really think you'd ever hear like Avril Lavigne or even Nickelback say something like that? No! They pretty much don't even try to sell themselves as musicians. I can respect someone who says they're a performer, but don't even try to tell me you're a musician if you know shit about theory because theory for me is the bones that holds the muscle of music. Great you can strum a bass guitar or you have a good sounding voice. If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say the word "arpeggio" get the hell away from me. It's nice to know that it's not beyond some established musicians out there to acknowledge that they know what they hell they're talking about. There's nothing shameful in being a performer. But an artist, a performer and a musician can be the same things or they can be three different things. And that's where I start getting counter-culture elite.

Anyway, although we didn't reach infinity we sure did make a cool jam. It sounded good.

Paradox

2005-06-20T04:57:00.000-07:00

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday – happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen – sit and listen

....Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me – no one knew me.......
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me – look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to say
When people run in circles it's a very very
mad world......

I like it how sometimes you wake up and everything's been stripped away to a very base level, like your cares and concerns can be so base when other days it can be so stressful that your computer isn't working. Or that you lost fifty dollars. Or that you think your coworkers don't like you. On the same note, I like learning skills that are really important. Because if you pay attention, you really do learn something everyday. And while some days what you learn is almost totally useless in the big picture, like, how to apply eyeliner correctly or how to tell what kind of stereo is good quality, sometimes you learn something really important, like how to cut right to the core of a person and ask them what you really want to know. And that's a hard thing to do. Like to just get to the point. The real really important point. And that point is that there is no real point. See what I mean? Everything exists in a paradox. Only things that are paradoxical make any sense. (It's a paradox).

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me,
No one knew me at all.

Rotten Apple

2005-06-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

I don't remember what movie or book it was from, but I really liked the line "all happy families are happy in the same way. Every unhappy family is completely original in their unhappiness" Angela's Ashes perhaps?

It's really so true. You think you have so many problems until you talk to the guy next to you on the subway and realize people've got it so much worse. My life is kinda like that. I never get too down or stay down for too long cause I always have a friend or relative to ground me in reality that i'm really better off than most.

It's weird to be related to people that are mostly strangers. Cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents, even siblings. Most of the people in my family are strangers. I try to bridge the gap because I feel that family is really important but its kind of hard when the other parties involved aren't that interested. But it's hard to change your lifestyle if that's the way you were brought up.

Take my brother. I visit him a good three or four times a year. We talk on the phone fairly often. But we really have nothing in common. My visits are mostly spend with my sister in law or the kids. He works all day and we don't have many things to do together except eat. Or drink. Or watch a movie, but he always falls asleep during movies.

Today he told his other roommate the way it was. You know how some people just get really down about their lives and there's nothing they wanna hear in order to make them feel better? They just want to complain, complain, everything is so bad and there's no hope? Hey, we've all been there. Anyway, that was the situation today and I got to witness my brother stepping up to bat. He told this kid the way it was. He said, "Look, if I didn't believe in you, you wouldn't be here. You can't let what your parents tell you drag you down. You have to rise above that." Well, I'm paraphrasing, but basically he gave a pretty inspiring speech. Now, usually he only says five or six words, usually just something goofy. I've never had a serious conversation ever with him that lasted more than two minutes. So it was pretty interesting to hear some of his secret thoughts come out and hear what he actually had to say.

I was pretty proud. I wrote this song when I was like, fourteen, about my family, and the line was "If the apple is rotten, get some new fruit." When something's rotten to the core, there's no way to fix it or get around it. You get a new apple. But maybe it's just a bruise, and if you turn the apple and take a bite out of the other side, It'll still taste good.

A Quarter For God

2005-06-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

I saw God the other day hanging out on a street corner. He was lookin' a little sketchy and twitchy and holding a paper plate for change.

I don't mean that like 'I saw God in the face of a homeless man" or, "I saw God in a child's smile". I mean really, if you were God, where would you hang out? Up in the Calgary tower? In Beverly Hills? Really, the best place to check out people is downtown on the street. Sometimes I just hang out downtown to check out what's going on.

So I said hi to God and went on my way. I see him now and again. Sometimes I don't have time to stop and talk. Sometimes I like to just chill and be like "yo God. What's up?"

I used to hang out downtown a lot. My friends and I would just catch a bus downtown and walk around. Sometimes we had money to do stuff, most of the time we were broke. We would go to the library, peruse the local 24-hour sex shop, walk around. Not that there was much to do in the town I was from, but it was nice that you could get anywhere you wanted to go by walking.

I did the same thing when I was in Venice. Everything was stupidly expensive and there was little else to do but walk around, waste time, look at the people, eat gelato. Although I never bumped into God in Venice. Too touristy, I suppose.

A Well Balanced Diet

2005-06-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

OK first of all, have any of you heard of the game "Orgasm Girl?" Serously, look it up. You have to give a girl an orgasm in her sleep by like rubbing her nips and shit. But it's soooo hard I played for like half an hour today.

Anyway I've been feeling real shitty but I decided that bitching isn't going to help. I don't have anyone to bitch to so I've been bitching to the faceless internet. Not that I'm really sure what the problem is but i got over making mountains out of molehills when I was sixteen, so I try to identify what it is that's bothering me in situations that are needlessly undesireable.

I think it's my diet.

No seriously. I have been eating like nothing but fast food since I got here. I may be getting scurvy. I really value the mental stability that like, a good diet can give you. It'd be exciting if I was like, about to hit the rag but that hasn't happened in quiiiiiiite a long time (thank you chemical injections.) not that im like, looking forward to bleeding like a stuck pig again but I hate waiting for something that may potentially embarrass me like, at work or something.

Anyway, the thing is like, perspective, right. So many people think they got it so bad because they're trapped in their own little spheres. And you can always use that arguemtn "at least im not starving in africa" or something, but who actually feels better when hearing that? If anything, you just feel worse. There are times when I just feel so shitty for like, weeks. I feel depressed about life. I have low self-esteem. I'm just so frusterated. And I always try to take in account physiological things like diet and what not, but why is it that there are tims when your perspective just gets totally turned upside down?

To be honest, I have no idea if I'm a happy person or not. When I was young, I was on the whole, happy all the time and shit. I mean, I wasn't nearly as dramatic as my pubesecent little friends, "Danny broke up with me! I'm going to kill myself!"

But as I sort of got older and got a better perspective on how hopelessly and also needlessly complicated everything is, I became a little downtrodden at times. These days, I'm not really sure if I'm unhappy just for something to do, or happy just for something to do.

You know that whole appreciating every day thing? I think its such a load of crap. Take today. For some inexplicable reason I was just totally short fused (It could be because this computer is so slow it's going backwards). So I tried to be all like "it's sunny out. I should try to feel happy and shit" And that just made me more frusterated when it didn't work. Just like my cholsterol ridden current diet, I think one's everyday experiences need to be varied. I wouldn't be happy if I was happy all the time. I'd be bored. I mean, when I'm feeling like totally down, I couldn't tell you if you asked me what would make me happy. Well, you know, other than a little love from Buddy Jesus. Anyway, I kind of just enjoy feeling the whole gamut of human emotions. The only time I'm ever really unsettled is when I'm not feeling anything. Long periods of that are very wearisome as I'm sure you know.

I don't understand this whole caution thing. I know so many people who don't do things because its an emotional risk. Like not getting involved with someone they like but know won't prove to be their "soul mate", or not taking a big risk and following a dream because of the fear of rejection. What the hell am I living for if I'm just some automaton, go to college, get a job, start a family, retire, family plots. In a society that's just so fucked from top to bottom, I don't know if being "happy" is really all that appropriate. And I'm not saying, "we're so fucked, man, and it's all the government" or something. To be honest, I don't know that I would have it any other way.

Thoughts?

Fuck!!

2005-06-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

Fuck

Fuck! What the hell is going on? Every day is getting progressively worse. Nothing's happening, maybe that's the problem. But each passing day I just wake up and feel that much more pissed off. There's something about this city that makes me fester like a pus filled blister. I think I have to get out of here. I think I have to find a place where I can just chill. I just don't feel right here. I would leave except I'm broke and I need the money before I can go.

Somebody save me. I don't know what's wrong but I'm starting to feel really fucking troubled.

Hey! maybe I just need to get drunk~

By the way, Skippy, if I knew that us hanging out was just good fodder for all your little friends and your mom and your internet friends to poke fun at me I could've found a better way to spend my time. The last thing I need is to be talked about like a lab rat.

Jumpin' In Cars With Strangers

2005-06-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

[Men, here’s a tip: always be slightly suspicious of a girl who blithely jumps in the car of a strange man without any reservations. But I digress.]

So says my good friend Skippy. He's probably right.

There was this one time that I jumped in a van with four strangers. It happened like this; I went to a concert at the University pub to see my friends band. I left after like, the first two bands, one of which was my friend's band. I went and fell asleep at my friends house. In the morning, a bunch of people were crashed out in their basement. When they woke up I learned they were a band from Winnipeg that I hadn't seen last night so we all went out to breakfast. At breakfast they said they were going to Revelstoke.

"We're going to Revelstoke. Wanna come?"

"Not really, I mean, then I'd be stuck in Revelstoke. Where are you going after that?"

"Edmonton."

"Rrrrreally. Are you by chance going anywhere near Calgary?"

"We could, yeah."

"I have family in Calgary. If you can drop me off there then yeah, I'll come. When are you leaving?"

"Right after this."

"Cool. Can we swing by my place and grab some clothes?"

"Sure."

"sweet."

So I went to revelstoke and then Calgary. The guys from the band were nice enough to take me and then i spared what little gas money I could. We had a pretty good time in Revelstoke, drinking ten dollars pitchers till we were pretty much all pissy eyed drunk. At one point the singer did say, "what the fuck is wrong with you? You got in a van with four big guys you didn't know." But you know, I could tell they were good types. And they were. so there.

Then again, Skippy is right. I'm not to be trusted. I'm especially not to be trusted if you've got those loving feelings for me. I mostly break boys like toy GI Joes, twisting their arm till it breaks off and turning them into bitter little whiny bitches. Not on purpose, of course, I always have the best of intentions. Then again, they say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I just woke up

2005-06-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Oh, sorry.

On Saturday, after watching my brother and his friends drink and laugh at puppets doing it on 'Team America' I went to the movies with a person I didn't know. No, not like that time I picked up a random stranger on the street in Quebec and took them to an abandoned church (wow, that sounds so much worse than it was), just someone that knew someone else so it's all good.

I tried to make this guy at the red light play rock paper scissors with me, like, I got him to roll down his window and I was like "Hey! Rock paper scissors OK? GO!" but he just stared at me. What an asshat. What is wrong with people in Calgary?

I'll call my good friend "Skippy." But I'm not going to tell you why! And even if you ask, I won't tell you~ I can only tell him.

So me and skippy saw mr and ms smith. Someone once told me that there are only seven stories in the whole world and people just vary the details. So this story is about two people having marital trouble and through a series of gunfights and asskickings renew their love. Ok, sure.

Man, though, whoever designed Angelina Jolie's "dominatrix" outfit was bad because it looked kind of bad on her. Actually,terrible in my opinion. Like, she could've looked hot but it didn't really flatter her.

Skippy says that he expected the whole night to be really bad. Now that's not very nice is it? At least its ok to know that I'm not completely obnoxious.

('s that good, Skip?)

What the hell am I doing in Calgary? Every day that I'm here I just get more depressed. Not that I was depressed to begin with when I got here. I've been pretty happy for a good long while, especially in Quebec, although I did feel a little lonely when all my "friends", rather people I'd met the day before at the bar started all speaking in french. I kinda feel that way here except everyones speaking english. I need someone to chill and play the guitar with. It's been raining non stop since i got here....ya ya I know I'm moving to Vancouver and it rains all the time there...but i didnt expect it to rain so much here now. I'll be all prepared for rain in van.
So anyway its raining and I go to movies with strangers, which actually isnt that out of the ordinary for me, nonetheless I still sort of wish i had a home to go. I guess I'm not very good at this whole nomadic thing, I like to have all my shit with me in case I need it. Im starting to get bored of like washing my two pairs of pants and three shirts every four days.

I'm not complaining.

OH YEAH and last night on the way to Denny's with some acquaintances, we were about to cross a street when this guy blew a stop sign. I was like 'way to stop at the sign you jerk!" but his window was open and he was liek "FUCK YOU BITCH~" and gave me the finger, and i was pretty fuckin cheezed already just from the day and I was like "FUCK YOU!" back. Then he slammed on his brakes and started backing up really fast and I was like 'Oh, jeez.' But he stopped and kept going on his asinine little way, probably to go home and wank it to a picture of cruella de ville.

What the fuck is wrong with people in Calgary?

Lane Staley

2005-06-12T05:21:00.000-07:00

Man, Alice in Chains is so good. You guys have no idea. Or maybe you do.
I wish Lane Staley was still alive. He died right around my sixteenth birthday.

It is now six twenty am. I have to be up at ten ten am to go to work and punch in orders where people want to substitute everything for something else and then they want insta refills and whatnot that my brain cannot possibly remember.

Also I got that feelin' again. You know...that one....where I wanna do that thing...that I said I wouldn't do anymore...no, not that thing. The other thing. The one that involves sharp objects. But don't worry. There are none to be had. Although I have been known to use coathangers.

Yeah, they've come to snub the rooster
Yeah, here come the rooster, yeah.
You know he ain't gonna die.

Doin' It

2005-06-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

So you like to hear about what shows I'm having a little fun with myself to eh? Well, as a continuation of that, let me tell you about how many zombies movies I have done it to. And I mean done it, as in, in a team. (Or a team of three, whatever).

I have NOT seen more zombie movies than I can count. I have done it during Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness, Dead Alive, Night of the Living Dead 2, Reanimator (I actually never even saw that one because I returned it like the next day, and then I was like "oh shit, I never actually watched it)

People were like, 'Have you seen pulp fiction?" and I was like, "yeah, kinda.' And it's true. I did KINDA see it but that part where Marcellus Wallace gets ass fucked was totally new to me the second time around cause my boyfriend at the time, who had seen it, was like "aah I can't do it during this part, someone is getting ass fucked" so I sort of concentrated my energy...elsewhere. Its kind of fun though because the second time I saw it was almost totally new.Most of this zombie movie fuckin' was with my good communist friend though, who has since moved on to Vancouver to arrange communist tours to cuba.

But really, he was very good about the whole thing, so props to you, Commie!Another really good thing to do it to is Billy Idol. The first time I heard Billy Idol I was doin it, and like, I got all distracted, and I stopped, and I was like 'hey, what are we listening to?' and he was like 'this is Billy Idol' (It was Rebel Yell) And ever since then, Rebel Yell makes me wanna get some. Some people hate billy idol. I say, what is wrong with you! The king of punk!What kind of background effects do you guys like to do it to? share with me.Yeah, so nothing really intelligent or deep this week, mostly been pondering this terrible self-induced dry spell. :(

Fuckin' the Dog/ Ass-Maggots

2005-06-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

Ok three things.

First thing, I've been thinking about my...special quirks. You know, like my penchance for Japanese schoolgirls, detailed knowledge of the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, and, well, this blog. Although I don't really care about people knowing about all this stuff, in fact I'm probably a little more candid than I should be, I really don't want my family to know. I'm kind of the black sheep. They already think I'm pretty out there. I was worried about my dad finding this blog but hes computer-stupid so I don't think it's a problem. And really, my mom's gotta know something. I lived with the lady for seventeen years in which i went through one big long continuous goth phase. She wouldn't let me watch kink. She's gotta know, on some level. But still, I never want to have any kind of open dialogue about it. I'm an adult, and I guess if someone were to like, find out that I want to start up my ownd dungeon and what not, it wouldn't be THAT bad, but like I said, they already think I'm pretty weird, so keep it on the DL, will ya? Just for that, I'm changing el bloggo nombre to "Mokuyobi".

Second thing: My favourite saying of all time is "fuck the dog". If you're not familiar with this saying, it just means wasting time. Like, I just got off work, and i'm gonna fuck the dog for the rest of the day. It's just so vulgar and shocking! Great~!! "shit the bed" is pretty good too, like "i shit the bed on booking those tickets on time".

Third thing: I took the bus home today, and these kids were sitting beside me, like, reincarnations of grade seven/eight. I saw the kid I had a crush on, the kid i SECRETLY had a crush on, the fat kid, and the sycophantic little rat best friend. Anyway, these kids were just being their pubescent little selves, when this one kid with curyly hair got off the bus. These kids waited until just as he was passing them, and then said "nice perm, buddy!" and all started laughing.

You little maggots.

Seriously, I fucking hate that. Like, it gives me flashbacks. You little ass-maggots~ you think you're so cool! Yeah, that's real tough, wait until he's getting off the bus to attack something he cant help. He probably like went home and cried. I remember like, telling my mom I never wanted to go to school again, feeling like you're some kind of physically deformed creature cause one kid decides your shoes are stupid or something. But really, come on, if you wanna act tough in front of your friends, go pick a fight with someone bigger than you and win. Why tease some little runt who's got 'fro?

I went to the strip club on my birthday, which was a tuesday. The only other people there were creepy balding men who paid the chicks five bucks to give them a titty wash. Now, I'd like to say that these little creepy are going to grow up and be sad and lonely at the strip club on Tuesday nights, paying five bucks for a little boob love. However, we all know thats not the case. Curly is gonna be the one with the beer gut and the five bucks and the low self esteem and the lonelienes. Maggot boys over there are gonna be working at sports magazines, gyms and overpriced restaurants with hot girlfriends, because they learned at an early age how to step on people to make themselves feel better. Not that they might not change with maturity, mellow out a little and learn the word "EMPATHY", but that doesn't help our friend Curly, crying into his third Corona while Val Capone does naked squat thrusts. There's a chance that, like me, Curly will flourish in the face of adversity and end up appreciating being different and making a go of it, but the majority of Curlys of this world are in their basements playing D&D. (That's right...I like D&D as much as the next guy, but how many of you have girlfriends? Huh? Huh? That's what I thought.)

Maggots.

Masturbating

2005-06-09T23:08:00.000-07:00

I love it. I do it all the time. Seriously, I just did it twice while watching the L word (just what happened to be on) and I can't even bend my fingers. I will do it anywhere. On the couch, in the bathtub, on the toilet, while I'm doin' it. I think I'm worse than a man. I'll do it when other people are in the room if I'm under a blanket because it's pretty easy, small concentric movements, nobody else can see. Sometimes I can do it real fast if I know my friends are coming over or something and even if they've arrived, just as the doorbell rings, they're in the front room headed up to my room and aha! There it is, just on time. Sorry guys, I need to change before we go out. Maybe have a quick shower. I probably do it like at least five times a week if away from home, once a day maybe at home unless I'm really busy. I think I am getting carpal tunnel.

If you see me any time after noon, I have probably done it. I was probably thinking about your girlfriend. Maybe I was even thinking about you. Maybe I wasn't thinking about anything and just trying to kill some time before bed. But maybe I was thinking about you.

Totte Und Monika

2005-06-09T21:13:00.000-07:00

"Totte hat einen Penis zum Pipi machen, und Monika eine Scheide."

This translates to "Totte has a penis for making pee, and Monika a vagina."

I took a kid's german book out of the library to practice my german. I was reading it in german to my niece, in german. She was just looking at the pictures. It goes like this; Totte is bored of playing alone. He meets Monika. They are wearing the same clothes. They are the same because they both have two eyes, a nose and a mouth. They both have hair, and two ears. They build a fort. It starts raining. After the rain stops, they take off their shirts. They both have two nipples (Brustwartzen in german, for your information) and a bellybutton. They take off their pants and go play in the grass. Then they see that they are not the same! The picture here is two naked children and two detailed sets of genitals. Not so bad. But in the next picture, Totte is indeed holding his little thing in his hands and Pipi machen. Squatting beside him, little black lines indicating urine being released, is Monika, pissing in the grass. Then the book goes on to talk about them playing house and how Totte will grow up to be a dad and Monika a mom, but I instantly snapped the book shut when i saw the pissing picture.

What the hell? At first I was like, shocked and thought it was inappropriate. Then, after a little thought I wasn't sure at all. This sort of ties into somethign i was thinking about the other day; when is it inappropriate to bathe with little kids? At what age does it become inappropriate? I used to bath with my little niece all the time, but now that she's three im not so sure. Is it inappropriate or better to teach kids about genitalia and showing them naked pictures of shit and bathing with them and what not? They're making kids books now that go "Annie has an anus for making poo. It is in her bum" with a little cartoon girl bending over and showing a little star. Is that taking it too far, or is it good because some parents don't adequately teach their kids about their own bits?

Do we want to encourage our kids to know about their bodies and other peoples, or teach them that the personal parts of one's body are to be kept personal? At what point is it past encouragement to know one's body? I saw this kids sex book once that detailed different kinds of relationships; men can love women, women can love women, men can love men. Families; some kids have a mom and dad, or two moms or two dads, some kids have only one mom or dad, some kids live with their grandparents.

I mean, when it comes to teaching about same-sex relationships and families, I think its GREAT to teach kids about it because it better prepares them for what they'll see in the real world, and it makes it so much easier on kids who have same-sex families. I went through grade eight in a small town being the kid with two moms. Every day it was "you're a lesbian just like your mom" and even shit like "you eat tuna out of your mom's pussy" (what??)

But the book went on to talk about like, masturbation and the only part i remember was like, some pictures of kids running water on themselves in the bathtub and like, a kid with a pillow between her legs. It was like "some people like to blah blah blah in the bathtub. Some people prefer to squeeze a pillow between their legs. Have you ever done any of this?"

I'm just not sure how to feel about this. Because the end effect is teaching kids about sexuality. And like, I feel that the more kids know about sex the better, because it's not like knowing about sex encourages them any more to do it than not knowing about it. In fact, it probably might keep some kids from doing it if they're totally informed about STD's, pregnancy and the emotional risks involved rather than just viewing it as this mysterious thing that's bad for some mysterious reason. But HOW YOUNG do we want to teach kids about sex? How early on in life is it ok for kids to know that the penis goes in the vagina?

Is this book with the pissing kids good because it makes it ok to talk about our bodies, or too much?? I just don't know. Because I, for one, feel really uncomfortable reading about the poo that comes out of a little kid's anus for a bedtime story. But maybe it's bad that I feel uncomfortable and good that we're making it comfortable for the next generation..
Thoughts?

A Rose By Any Other Name...

2005-06-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that once I get this whole dominatrix business up and running, I'm going to print out T shirts that say "I get abused by Mistress _____, Vancouver, BC." Then the phone number and then in brackets "(ask me how I liked it)".

Sounds clever doesn't it? I know I can convince at least half of my friends to wear it to bars and shit. It really is something I would do, though. Now all I need is a name. I've been thinking that mistress Mokuyobi is too misleading because I'm not japanese and that could be a dissapointment. check out these names and tell me what you like, or suggest one!

Mistress Mokuyobi
Dawna Matrix
Veronica Savage
Mistress Marina
Mistress _______

That's all I could think of that I like. Suggest something. It should be catchy and sexy, obviously. Maybe a first and last name that sound good together.

Useless Degree

2005-06-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

I want to get a bachelor of music. I have to go to school for four years to get that. In four years, I'll be like, twenty four. So I'll have completed a B. Mus in 4 years. Now, as far as I know, a bachelor of music is almost completely useless. I want it because I desire to be a very skilled violinist. Also I can use it for music-related jobs that are probably low paying. Now, this doesn't bother me because I see myself eventually going back to school to get a degree in probably social work. Or something. I mean, I really don't want to settle into my career until I'm older, because I have a short attention span and I don't want to be bored of what I've decided is my 'career' by the time I'm like, thirty one.

However, discussions with so-and-so have got me doubting. In so-and-so's exact words, "Life will catch up with you, life gets expensive" She feels that by the time I'm ready to go back to school, I'll have too many bills to pay, and I'll be broke because a music degree won't get me anywhere financially. She feels that if I go through with this plan I'll be so in debt for school I'll never be able to get out, and why wouldn't I want to set myself up with a degree that will get me a good paying job when I'm still young without any responsibilities. That may be true, but what happened to pursuing learning something just to master it? I mean, I admit, I'm kind of an idealist, but why can't it work out?

In other news, after all the hard work to record the song for my brother, he still hasn't listened to the song and I doubt he will, or give it any serious attention. So here's the lyrics, at least.

Jody

Don't push for the things that aren't really there
We knew that in the end this is how it would be
And in the house, the lights are out
Suffocating in the dark they think that sleep is the only cure
For the blackness that fills up everything

yeah and maybe this pain's the only thing we've ever really had
Yeah and maybe this pain's the only thing that really matters between us

The pavement's wet on the road tonight
We've seen it as we take the long road
Back to the home we never shared, somehow we let our feet go bare
Sometimes I think you don't really care

And I've seen the pictures with your
Familiar face so sad, so deeply
And if I could change everything that happened to you..

(Chorus)

The things you laugh about, they stay my tongue
But the liqour's so bitter
Seems like you don't even notice the way things get sometimes around here
Maybe it's just prescribed, I mean the way
I'm hell-bent on changing things,
Seems like you don't even notice how horrible you feel sometimes

Seems like you don't even notice how horrible you act sometimes
Seems like you don't even notice how horrible you feel sometimes

Ok they don't seem so impressive when written. But I think the song is impressive. I wrote it when I had pneumonia. I sang the lyrics with pneumonia. In other news, I've got a cold again. Fuck!

Rain

2005-06-04T22:49:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about how I got this job and how it was going and everything, but I'll write about that tomorrow. Because something really cool happened today.

So I was working at this job and it was kind of a stressful day. I got off work an hour after I was supposed to, walked outside and into the POURING rain. Now, I'm from the north, where you hardly ever get rain and mostly get snow. I've literally seen it raining really hard maybe only like five or six times in my life. I mean i've seen it rain, but I've hardly ever seen it really RAIN. And it was really raining. And windy, so the rain was coming down at an angle and puddles were ankle deep. At first I was really bummed, like "ah shit, first a hard day at work and now this? I have to take the bus, which is a ten minute walk from here!"

But then I realized that rain is probably one of my favourite weathers. Not when it's freezing cold, but there's something really enjoyable about being totally soaking wet fully clothed. I stood in the puddle for a minute watching the water rivulet violently around my feet.

"What scum is out lurking around on a rainy night like this?"

Anyway, I walked through this parking lot where the rain was all collecting in this massive lake in the middle. I wanted to walk through it but it was probably like shin-deep. I decided that it was a sinkhole. I thought that maybe if i walked through it the cement would collapse beneath me and I would drown in said sinkhole (It wasnt really a sinkhole)

Then I had this fantasy about falling in a sinkhole. I saw myself walking through the puddle, getting soaked upt the knee and then being sucked down into the parking lot. I imagined myself screaming for help trying to stay afloat in the downtorrent of muddy water. Not that I want to drown in a sinkhole, I mean, I would be rescued. Why fantasize about a near death experience? Every experience that really terrifies us teaches us something invaluable. And every time it's somethign different. No one says "man, this near death experience reminded me of what I learned that last near death experience". No one forgets THAT lesson, which means that when it happens again it opens your mind to another level, a totally different plane. And I love to learn important things about life.

Anyway, the rain sort of makes me see my entire life stretched out in front of me, like all of humanity converging into one big old parking lot sinkhole.

Sadness

2005-06-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

Picture 059
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

This is the face I make when I don't get slush puppie. More specifically, I'm outside a store whose Slush Puppie machine was broken.

Aaaaawwwww.

Eglise

2005-06-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

050518014656
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

This is the best picture of the church that I got, I just took it off my camera.

Grass Is Always Greener...

2005-06-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm nineteen. Actually, I feel like I turned nineteen before I knew it. Maybe everyone feels this way, but I'm always looking forward, always daydreaming about the future, never really enjoying the present. Consequently, I'm like 'wow, my childhood and teenager years are gone'. I mean, I had some good times, but I feel like every day should've been a good time. And what's going on now? It's June, but I'm just thinking about July, when I'll get to Vancouver, and I'm sure once I'm there I'll just be thinking about something else, when something else happens.

I guess I'm worried that I'll wish my life away, I sort of wished the last five years away, just thinking about what's around the bend instead of what's going on right now. But it does seem like there are a lot of times in my life that are sort of just in-between, get through them to get to the good stuff. Like right now, I'm enjoying being at my brother's house because I can visit with my niece and nephew, but I don't really have any privacy, so I can't practice the guitar or write songs, and my one friend in town lives on the other side of town so I never see her, every day is kind of like, get up, walk around on the sticky floor, watch tv, play with the kids. Playing with kids is great but I have a short attention span. Basically, I'm here to make some money because I'm broke. I came to get a job. So my mindset is, just work for a few weeks, and move on. This isn't about enjoying my summer, having crazy adventures, doing crazy things because there's really no opportunity to have much crazy summer fun. Should I be trying to make the most of this and like, forcing myself to seek fun every day or just chill and sort of get through it and get on with it?

Because forcing yourself to have fun is just as not-fun as just not having fun. But I don't want to waste my life and my youth always looking for what's coming next!

Depraved and Horny

2005-06-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

What's up with this blog? What's the purpose of it? Seems like all my friends have blogs. Why read mine? it's mostly not full of depraved and horny shit. It's mostly full of half-ass philosophical rants and shit that pisses me off. But here's the thing; when I started this blog I was pretty horny all the time. Then I had some sex which sort of ended badly. Ever since then I've been trying to behave myself, which is quite unlike me.

Actually what i meant was the sex was really good, just the 'relationship' ended kinda on the wrong foot.

so anyway I've been trying to behave myself because I'm letting it build up for when I get to my new city of residence, Vancouver. There I will seek employment as a dominatrix and probably just be as hedonistic and depraved as possible. Until then I think I should behave myself. I've been thinking about doing it in public places. What's the appeal? The fact that you could be caught, right. The free air on your naked ass ? Probably also just the novelty of doin it somewhere other than the bedroom. I am a big fan of not doing it in the bedroom. In fact, I'm completely bored with beds. I wanna do it on a trampoline! Now that would be something else. I had a friend who had sex with his girlfriend on top of a building and apparently a bunch of cars were driving by and could see them. I can neither prove nor deny this since I wasn't there.

Something else that has been called to my attention is the lack of people who've had threesomes. Now, maybe it's just the town I'm from but I generally assume everyone has had at least one crazy girlfriend who likes other girls. I know all my boyfriends have ;)
Anyway, every time I hear that someone's never had a threesome my instant reaction is to instigate one. Like 'what, you never did it? Let's do it, right now!" But i also have the same reaction to people who've never seen FUBAR. Of course, I don't just go off having threesomes willy - nilly. But you have to understand that for the most part, they're so, so, so much fun. Three times as fun! I recommend you go out and do it now. In fact, if you can't have a threesome, just do it.

Seriously, I think i've had more than I can count on two hands. Or at least as many as I can count on two hands. Now, if you have to instigate, which can be a little hard, there are a few ways. If you and a second person want to get a hesitant third person involved, I suggest sitting on either side of them and going for the earlobes. If you want to instigate two people, like a couple, start with the same sex as you. usually it helps if you're a chick. In fact, just to make sure you don't kiss someone else's boyfriend when that someone else is not down with it, I recommend almost totally ignoring the boy until you've got a definite in with the girl, because threesomes can cause a little jealousy. And no boyfriend doesn't like to see his girlfriend getting kissed and fondled by another girl. that is, unless you're any of my exboyfriends, half of whom had some kind of weird moral objection.

Remember to shower or get properly groomed before starting. Also, put your underthings in a place you can find them in order to make a quick getaway afterwards/in the morning. Doing it in threes is fun but cuddling in threes can be a little awkward, post-coital. Don't let anyone take pictures, unless you get a copy. Use protection, and also toys if possible. If you've already gone this far, you may as well keep going, right.

Anyway, I was just surprised at the amount of people who've only done it as a duo. What are you guys doing? Get on out there and get some!

Generic Idealist

2005-06-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

Now that I've begun learning about several different social and political issues, I don't want to be mistaken as a generic left wing idealist hippie type talking out their ass about something they know nothing about. I like to make lists so I'm gonna do that now.

1. Corporations
2. Food
3. Lifestyle
4. Media

ok now that my thoughts are organized clearly, let's start with corporations. Yeah, I got that whole anti-corporate thing goin on. Sure. Why? After being raised eating at McDonalds and shopping at Wal-Mart, despite saving money everywhere I started realizing that I was just getting the same old thing, over and over and over again. Now, my friends tell me that the people who run the corporations are intentionally trying to control us, we're all slaves and we don't even know it. I can't confirm or deny this, but I can tell you that I'm not down with a homogenous society. What I love about Canada is the multicuturalism and the diversity. Especially the diversity in, what do you call it, consumer goods? Places to spend money?

So anyway, I went to Germany, Austria, some other places in Europe, and also Quebec. In none of these places will you find a starbucks on every corner (well maybe in Berlin or Cologne), and certainly everyone's favourite place to eat isn't McDonalds. They don't even HAVE Wal-Mart in Quebec. But guess what? EVERYONE'S STILL HAPPY. Upon returning to my little corner of the world I was pretty bored and disgusted with what I saw. Row upon row of stores shaped like boxes all filled with the same shit; canadian tire, wal mart, Zellers, the same, the same the same. Now, I could just be like "thats fine, I'll just shop where I want to and not worry about it' The obvious problem with that is that since these stores offer such good deals local business really can't compete. It's WAY harder to own your own business/restaurant these days than it was ten years ago because of the rising corporate competetion.

I don't want my children to grow up and only have a choice between two different box stores or two different franchises when they want to eat or buy something. You walk into this store and you're just another faceless customer, the employees are just another set of numbers, it completely loses it's humanity. Do I want to eat pre-made cardboard pressed burgers from McDonalds every day of my life? No, actually, I'd rather go to a place where they have REAL people, not clones with store policy and procedure drilled into them making them emotionless robots, but real people, who cook real food IN THEIR OWN Kitchen, not sent to them from Ontario.

2. Food. I already kind of covered that, but the more I actually look at people and society, not just what my friends tell me or what I read in a paper, I see that we are encouraged to eat fattening, unhealthy foods and then made to feel bad about our weight. But these foods not only do the obvious, making us like, physically unhealthy, but they MUSt have an effect on our brains too. I had a roommate that just ate garbage and junk food all day long, and she had so many mood swings. I really feel that eating properly and healthy will make you more intelligent and happier. Food really does have an effect on your emotions. Also, since I already established that I don't liek to support big companies because they're only getting bigger and making the smaller brands smaller, I try to buy local or sort of smaller-name products.

I'm not a vegetarian for the simple fact that I like to eat meat. i DO think that the process by which we get our eggs, milk and meat is unnecesarily cruel; wait, strike that from the record. It IS necessary to make a bigger profit for the companies that make them. They don't really care that you get these chickens born into a pen only big enough to fit their own bodies, blah blah, we've all heard it, but did you know they're actually cutting off chicken's beaks to make the chicken take up less space? We are making enslave beakless tortured chickens pop out eggs day and night for their whole life so we can eat two eggs and throw the rest of the plate away. And whether or not they're just stupid brainless creatures doesn't matter; they're still God's creatures, and it's not our choice to to manipulate them for our own gain. So; free range it is.

3. Lifestyle; I sort of have a more mainstream life style than most people that I know. I work, i buy things, on occasion things made by companies I don't like, I watch TV and see popular movies. But I do these things with the conscious choice that I am doing them, not just being a brainless automaton, I MUST SEE SHREK 2, I MUST WATCH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. I used to watch a LOT of TV. I mean every day, like six hours. I didnt even get out of bed. I knew everything about will and grace, dharma and greg, friends, and various reality TV shows. I could tell you who won "average Joe' and "average Joe 2' and "america's next top model" and "america's next top model 2"
Let me tell you from experience; the more you watch these shows, the more you want to watch them, not because they're actually good, but because they glorify a type of life that isnt real; a type of life who's serious problems are still humorous, a type of lifestyle where if Rachel dates an alcoholic, Joey and Chandler tell her that hes no good and they kick him out the door, that's the end of him. Not like in real life, where you have to consider that the alcoholic has serious problems that need to be dealt with and that things are a lot more serious that just kicking someone out the door and they're not on the series the next week. Life is a lot more cut and dry on TV. In real life, there are problems with no answers, or no simple answers. But not on TV.

Also, I find things in REAL life more fun and interesting. When was the last time you just went and played outside? We don't go outside enough anymore because we just don't have a reason to. But when you turn off your TV and stop worrying about who won the oscars, and stop worrying about if anyone is noticing that you have a Gucci purse, life just becomes more vivid and you have time and energy to explore things you really like and care about.

4. (And I could get into all of these for hours but I'll keep it relatively short) Media; not TV, but rather movies and music. I guess I sometimes seem like, so elite with the 'oh ive seen this movie, and i know about this band' and thats kind of how i see people that I used to look up to acting. You know, like so much more 'hardcore' than you because they saw such and such a band when they were still underground.

The thing is, alternative media again, just offers more diversity. You can see a lot of movies and hear a lot of bands that you would just never experience if you let popular media dictate what you saw and heard, like you only saw movies that were in theatres, you only listened to bands that were on the radio. Because they play what's popular, right, and what's popular is generic. It has to be diverse enough that everyone will like it but still mainstream. What you end up getting is watered-down movies and bands that are good but bland and inoffensive ( yeah ok i know with the exception of Eminem, everyone's favourite bad boy). When you start learning about stuff thats out there, its so much more rewarding to find a movie you like that YOU found, not one that you were told to watch because Ebert and Roeper loved it. You get totally twisted shit that offers you a perspective you just never thought about. You get movies that are just presented in such a different way than anything you've ever seen. You get bands that play in a style of music that you've just never heard. If I watched muchmusic for three days straight (which I HAVE) I will never, ever see anything that is just totally foreign, totally different and original.

And I guess I am being a bit judgemental here, but it all comes back to making a profit. If you are an artist, making a lot of money every year, you may be more hesitant to sacrifice all that by going in a totally different direction than if you already had nothing and didn't care about pleasing everyone. Plus, often popular music IS sort of co-opted and put together by a variety of different people with different ideas who want different things, so you don't get a clear vision of what the artist wanted, whereas you can find bands that put together a record in their basement, on a budget of zero, just pure quality and pure music. I mean, anybody can make a great song or a great movie with a bazillion dollars to spend and lots of people to consult with. I'm impressed by the people who can do it without.

AAAAANYWAY, when I step back and look at popular media, TV, and what we value in our society, i really can see that our values are sort of misplaced. We want what everyone else has; we want stuff that will impress our neighbours, whether or not we need it. We want skirts that are hip whether or not they flatter our body type. We want to see movies that everyone likes, no matter that the storyline has been done a hundred times. We don't care about spirituality or health. We drive SUV's when its really unnecessary. Doesn't it seem weird to you that we spend money making everythign more homogenous?

I mean, i won't be saying any cliched phrases like "TV conrols your mind" or "wal mart is just totally evil" and "All bands on the radio suck" but I dont, maybe I am just as homogenous as your generic capitalist who watches sex in the city. But at least I'm thinking about it.

They Need to Make Bigger Signs for People Like Me

2005-05-31T18:53:00.000-07:00

ok

My niece, sister in law, nephew and I went to the pool. My niece went on the waterslides a few times and then didn't want to anymore. I was trying to encourage her to go. I had never been to this pool before, being out of town. Finally, she spied a staircase on the other side of the pool and said she wanted to go on that slide. Happy to accomodate her finally wanting to do something, I agreed.

The stairs were in a rounded sort of concrete turret, so when you approach from one side you can't see the other side. What I didn't see on the other side of the stairs was a sign-rather, a piece of paper with the words "CAUTION-DEEP WATER" printed on it. Not a big red sign that said "danger" or anything, just a piece of paper. Anyway, we go up the slide. As we're going down, I realize that this slide might end up in a deeper pool of water. So I'm ready to hold my niece above my head. As we hit the bottom of the slide, I see a deep pool ahead, and when we plunge in to the water I lift her up.

But this was not a deep pool of water-this was a VERY deep pool of water. I expect my feet to hit the tile just after the water covers my head. My legs are left frantically kicking, we are sinking, although I'm holding my niece over my head she is not above water and I'm thinking "shit, this is really deep! Shit, shit, we're sinking!"

I kicked as frantically as i could, thinking "damn I'm stupid!" I managed to get my niece's head above the water but I was under and couldn't swim strongly enough without the use of my arms to elevate us. I started worrying that we might drown. There was, of course, a lifeguard posted there for stupid people like me and also children who didn't read the sign who plucked her out of my hands. I climbed up, sputtering and choking, and said "is there a sign or something?" and he said "yea actually there's a sign right next to the door". My niece appeared to be untraumatized and the lifeguard was generally unconcerened, so I guess I was holding her above the water the whole time and I just looked like someone who didn't know how to read. I felt a little sheepish (and a lot terrified) and said "oh, ok, sorry about that'.

On the way back, approaching from the other side, I did indeed see the sign (piece of paper), but realized that I couldn't have seen it from the other side because the wall was rounded.

So, everythign was ok but i was shitting my pants, mostly because I've always had this weird fear that i'll have to rescue a child from deep water, like, maybe if a car went off a cliff into a river or lake I'd have to unbuckle them and swim with them, because children generally are helpless in the water, and that I wouldn't be able to. And I sort of couldn't, that day, because my niece is probably like forty pounds and im a weakling. I guess it's a good reason to like, start lifting weights and get buff.

Anyway, it was my fault for not looking more carefully, but they should make big red signs for people like me.

Hypocrisy is not a dirty word.

2005-05-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

Now, usually there's nothing I dislike more than hypocrites. But there are different ways to be hypocritical and I learned something about hypocrisy the other day. If you are trying to better yourself morally or spiritually, often hypocrisy is something that just occurs along the way. And someone explained this to me the other day. And it makes sense.

Like, I like to use specific examples to clarify vague points, so let's do that now; let's take recycling. You decide that one day you want to help the environment. You have a bottle plant in town which takes bottles, glass and plastic. So you recycle bottles, glass and plastic. However, you don't recycle cans or newspapers, either because you haven't found another recycling depot or because there isn't one. If you say "I recycle," to a point you're being a hypocrite, although no one really cares, no one is going to call you a Recycling Hypocrite. However, this seems to be the case with activism.

Like, if i decide not to support Wal-Mart because it's inherently evil, or McDonald's, or Coke, people may feel that I'm a hypocrite....well, actually lets not use me. If A PERSON decides not to support those three things, and they dont eat at McDonalds, drink coke or shop at walmart, they may be called a hypocrite because most likely they're still supporting those corporations in some way or another being that corporations often own many other brand name goods. They still drive a car. They still work at a chain store or gas station or Denny's or whatever. Therefore, they are being a hypocrite by saying that they choose not to support corporations.

The point that's being missed here is that the road to enlightenment probably has a LOT of potholes, because it's not like its a regularly used highway that has a maitenance crew. And we make a lot of mistakes when we learn new things or break old habits. Any step in the right direction is good. You start with one step, and keep walking, right? If you've only walked five steps, its still legitimate to say "I am walking"...

ok getting a little too metaphoric here. What I mean is, even if i choose not to support walmart but I still drive a car, money that goes to some giant corporation somewhere, it IS a start. Like, yesterday I found out that Fruitopia and Minute Maid are both owned by Coke. So all this time I've still been buying coke products, even though the Coca Cola company hasnt been getting AS MUCH of my money since i refrain from buying actual coke. But anyway, so all this time i've still been supporting it. BUT NOW THAT I KNOW, I can be twice as effective in NOT supporting it and as time goes on I will learn more and more still.

See what I'm getting at? SOME is better than NONE. I might spend a dollar today at a restuarant that's a franchise owned by something else, but tomorrow i'll spend a dollar at a local restaurant instead of Burger King. Just because it's hard, really fucking hard to break out the system completely, and let's face it, almost no one can do it , it doesnt mean you shouldn't try. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Change and progress are slow, but every little bit helps.

Another day I'll get into WHY I choose not to support these corporations, for those of you who may be confused and thinking me some kind of left-wing extreme idealist now.

Against Me!

2005-05-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

I saw Against Me! last night. Although I was not personally a fan or anything, I had heard very little, but I went to the show cause I heard they were real good. And IT WAS FUCKIN AWESOME!

oh man. I never been shoved around so hard at a concert, except for the very first time I was in a mosh pit and I literally got knocked out flat on my ass and went skidding across the floor. People were shoving so hard I got shoved right to the front and centre of the stage (awesome!) and was pinned there for the rest of the show. Consequently, I got a lot of the bassist's spit and sweat on me. People were shoving so hard from the back, I was pretty much bent over the stage (you know what my dirty mind was thinking). Anyway, it was so high-energy, it was awesome. Guys kept diving off the stage to go crowdsurfing but since i was right in the front i got more than a few boots to the face.

At the very end of the show, I had been really wanting to go crowdsurfing, but I was afraid, because I had seen a couple guys get dropped right on their heads, and also I didn't want to lose my place at the front. But finally, the girl next to me got up and I was like "if she can do it I can do it!" so I did. And I didn't get dropped on my head. It was awesome. Promptly after I was let down, the next two guys who jumped into the crowd, one did a belly flop onto the ground and the other hit the ground head first. But they just got up and kept going!! So hardcore! Afterwards, i found out that the band was playing in montreal when i'd be in montreal, and in Calgary when I'd be in calgary. I'm too broke to see them today but I'll see them in Calgary.

The band before them was called Murder By Death, and they had a female cellist/keyboardist. SHE WAS SO HOT I want to bone her. No. I just want to get her and that cello in my bed. But the band itself was also really good, they were really diverse, from Indiana, I think.

Anyway more later

PS to all my friends who read this, im broke so start convincing people to buy my awesome EP< "Justin, Jesus and Me", for only ten dollars!
(I could use ten dollars)

PICTURES

2005-05-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

And, in an exciting turn of events, I have finally posted the church pictures! I am pretty sure that if you go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/17671633@N00/ you can see them! If this link doesn't work, tell me and I'll figure it out.

In other news, the world has enough resources for everyone! It's just that we are hogging all of them! My main concerns are my cell phone bill and my expensive nikes! Manjit's main concerns are that she'll never be able to get a better job than HAVING TO CLEAN OPEN SEWERS WITH HER BARE HANDS AND THEN DRINK CONTAMINATED WATER OFF THE GROUND NEXT TO A WELL JUST BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID SOCIAL CLASS FUCKING BULLSHIT

If you think that the world doesn't have enough resources or space or fresh water for everyone, guess again. You've been tricked by too many reality tv's show that make you think the most important thing in life is owning an SUV. The entire national debt of Burundi could be relieved if Bush allocated a portion-just a PORTION - of the money he spends every day on the national defense budget. It would take fifteen days..only fifteen days to forgive one country's entire national debt. You know why they're a third world country? We keep them that way. It's the fucking truth and you can see if it you open your fucking eyes. I don't buy Nikes and I don't own a cellphone, and I certainly don't spend money on walmart and SUV's. But I do waste food, and I do waste resources. But at least i'm trying, not just turning a blind eye to the plight of the poor. Because it could just as easily be you or me. And growing up under the poverty line in canada, although i was still considered rich compared to a lot of the rest of the worlds population really opened my eyes to how easy it is to live a good life and not be greedy. I didn't have all the things that the other kids my age had, and I ate no name brand shit and I recieved food vouchers. But I realized something; everyone I met who had more than me didnt have as good a work ethic, and they didnt appreciate what they had, they only wanted more. So step back and take a good long look, because I assure you, they don't need much, but we're taking it all for our own amusement.

If you have to haul your water by hand from a well five miles away every morning, it probably tastes a whole lot sweeter, and I bet you wouldn't wasted it washing down your fancy-ass car.

Good-Bye, Ville de Quebec

2005-05-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

Two and a half weeks passed rather quickly and it's time for me to leave Quebec. But not before seeing Against Me! in concert...with some other bands, I dunno who. I met some goths, a pirate and an old church in Quebec and learned to play a flamenco song on the guitar. I'd say that's pretty productive.

I nearly got those pictures uploaded, don't worry, maybe tomorrow, although now the hype is so big that the pictures will be dissapointing. :(

I had to change all my piercings to less noticeable ones so I can get a job when I get to Calgary. And it got me to thinking, what it is about our personalities that makes us stand apart from each other? I mean, I know that there are some people who don't, I mean, I meet people every day and some of the people I don't remember. But what makes me remember the ones that I do? Like, 'Oh yeah, Rob, he's so funny and original", as opposed to, "Oh yeah, Emile, he's so cool and fashionable"

Like, there are only so many descriptive adjectives. What makes us so original from everyone else? Because I was thinking that it's probably a combination of what we are and what we can do. Like, I might know some girls that have similar characteristics to me, but maybe that girl is really into, like, basketball. And i'm really into music so when people think of us they think "oh yeah, Dusty, she's so this and that and musical" and then they think of this other girl and think "oh, she's so athletic" or whatever. Or the other way around, if I meet a girl that does exactly the same things as me, she plays instruments and whatever else, we still might have different personalities, again making us distinguishable.

But there are a lot of people in the world and I've met people that share both similiar traits characterstics and skills to other people, but somehow they're still different. What is it that makes me original if not my personality, or my interests, or my skills or traits or whatever? Because i've met people that are really similar, in print, to me, but I know I'm still different somehow. Is it possible that I'm just a replicate of some girl somewhere thinking something similiar on her computer while on vacation with her guitar and violin? Is it possible? It's almost probable. There are a lot of people in the world.

What aspect of me makes me any different from any other poor shmuck around here? I could get into a whole big debate about individualism vs. unity and oneness. My friend said he feels special when he thinks that he's no different and no more special than any one else, he feel liberated knowing that's hes nothing. But I don't know.. what do you think?

Mistress Mokuyobi Can Never Die.

2005-05-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

My friend asked me what was the thrill of humiliation that is associated with BDSM. I tried to explain it to him but all I could come up with is "it's the feeling of being absolutely powerless in a situation, being completely subjected to the will of another. Not only to do things that they want you to do, but to do things that they want you to do that you DON'T WANT TO DO but you do it anyway. It's the completely freedom from responsibility or choice" as strange as that sounds, that's kind of what it comes down to, for me, anyway.

Other that not being able to explain the inexplicable greatness of BDSM, I think I'm kind of a pocket dictionary on sex. If I haven't done it personally, you can bet i've read about it, heard about it, learned about it and probably seen it in a porno. Trudy won't stop talking about doing it in her blog which just painfully reminds me that i'm ABSTAINING for my own good. As in, I like to prove to myself that I don't HAVE to do anything and that it's a choice and not a vice. So i'm being a good girl.

But damn. I've got such an itchy whip hand.

I've decided that if being a dominatrix doesn't work out, i'm going to look into directing porno. Because I think I'd be really good at that, and like, putting together original scores for porno flicks......
No seriously. I love directing. And I love porno. I mean, I'm sure I'd get sick of it pretty quickly but have you ever seen a porno? The acting and dialogue is constantly so terrible it takes away from the goodness of it. Therefore, I feel I can make porno both fun and sexy.

anyway, here is a list of song that I like to do it to, for no good reason whatsoever:

Rebel Yell-Billy Idol
Girl, Let's Climb Too High
Devil's Plaything
Her Black Wings-Danzig
Stitches-Orgy
the Snake-Cherry Poppin' Daddies
ANYTHING by Portishead
tourniquet-Marilyn Manson
Antique High Heel Red Doll Shoes
Transylvanian Concubines-Rasputina
Tainted Love- (Marilyn Manson version)
Hall of Mirrors- the Distillers
anything by Switchblade Symphony
Push it -Garbage

ok thats all I can think of off the top of my head. But I'll think of more. Until then I guess i'll just have to take out my unnatural urges in more subtle ways.

Don't forget to say "Yes Please, Mistress"

temptations

2005-05-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

well, since being in quebec i`ve managed....goddamn whats up with this keyboard all the little buttons are fucked up! goddamn it! anyway,

i`ve managed to resist temptations and deal with the three issues that have been plagueing me, theres been too much distration for cutting, no chance to be sexual and things seem to be alright with my mom for the time being. though i have been smoking cigars because i met this cute pirate boy named emile and we smoke cigars together, shame, dusty, shame.

oscar wilde said that it is easy to be good in the country; there are no temptations there. but there are plenty of temptations in quebec city. but can i really keep up this wholesome new GOOD me? i think not. i mean, i`ll try, but there are no guarantees.

well, its off to my church to sit in silence and be one with the broken glass, dirt and old leftover things that no one wants.

Lack of Time.

2005-05-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

Still havent found a place where I can put the pictures onto a CD. Damn me for forgetting the little thing that i need to get pictures off the camera! Damn me! But soon, soon I hope.

Still haven't done a lot of other things that I meant to do. But I don't really care. I'm on vacation. If I don't want to get out of bed till noon, so be it!

Although I did learn this one really cool flamenco guitar song.

I miss my friends.

The First Blowjob.

2005-05-16T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to find a way to get the pictures of the church off my digital camera cause i dont have the little thing that I need to do that, and apparently, unlike British Columbia, every grocery and drug store is not equipped with a photo developing place, in fact none of them are.

Also, on the 11th i phoned my constituency in prince george and asked if they could send me an absentee ballot the fastest mail possible (aka overnight delivery or next day delivery) and that they could even send it C.O.D., just as long as I got it so I could vote. And they said, 'yeah don't worry, we'll pay for that and send it courier.' I said 'is that the fast one?' they said 'yeah it's fast'.

Well, tomorrow is election day and I got the ballot today in the mail which means that hmm, I CANT FUCKING VOTE. FUCK YOU FUCKING COCKSMOKING LYING SONS OF BITCHES I HOPE YOUR MOTHERS GET FUCKED WITH BROKEN BEER BOTTLES THAT WERE LICKED BY HEPATITIS-RIDDEN PROSTITUTES! and KISS MY LITTLE POLISH ASS FOR LYING YOUR DIRTY SHITEATING MOUTHS OFF TO ME!

But that's not what this is about. This is about the first time I ever gave a blow job. Now, I was thinking back on this the other day, and I generally try not to think about it. But let me tell you the story.

I was thirteen and my boyfriend was a jerk. After talking me into doing it (yeah I say I was talked into it. I felt the pressure! I mean, I said yes, but what kind of guy spends 45 minutes going on and on to a 13 yr old to try and get some?) anyway, aside from me not being like, vigilant about that whole saying no thing, a few nights later... actually lets start with the sex. So this guy leaves the room to put on a condom. I mean, he goes to the bathroom and I'm sitting on his bed, naked, thinking "gee, is it too late to back out of this?" afterwards, he leaves again to take the condom off, as in, goes to the bathroom (wtf?) and then goes, 'fuck, you bled on my bed.' if there were any tender words of love in between there i've forgotten them or blocked them out on purpose. Ok, so the blowjob.

We were watching Austin Powers 2. He asked me to do and I said i never did it. But, I was willing to learn. He made me do it under the covers. Thaaat's right. Under the covers while he watched austin powers 2! Bear in mind that at the tender age of thirteen I was a lot less...um, loudmouthed, yeah thats a good word, less outspoken than I am today so even though it was like really hot under the covers and frankly I did not want to put another persons genitalia in my mouth, I was like, OK, let's try it.
The next thing he did that really pisses me off when I think back to it was like, push up and down on the back of my head. Come on dude! It's my first time! Then, he didn't warn me before he came. All of a sudden my mouth is flooded with the taste of semen and I'm half like, 'thank god,' and half like 'oh god!' so I jump up and spit out the window while he laughs at me. Then I say, 'eew, it tastes like salt', and he laughs even harder. Then, about a year after we broke up, he told everyone I went down on him during austin powers 2. How embarrassing is that!

subsequently, I was turned off the whole oral sex thing after that. But my second boyfriend with whom I was sexually active was a lot nicer, if not smarter, so eventually it came to oral sex time. Now, this would've been ok, except he wasn't circumsized, and I swear to god that boy did not shower enough.

But don't worry. Since then i've developed not only technique but the ability to say the following phrases: "no, I don't think so" "fuck no, buddy" "are you going to come soon?" and also "hey, I know, instead of this, why don't we hop into the shower together?" ;)

Although performing oral sex on women is a whole other story. In fact the first time I gave oral sex to a woman belongs more in penthouse than it does in this blog.

Inside

2005-05-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

I got inside the church. It happened at a kind of random, lucky moment.

The story about how it came about gives me a sense that there is some benevolent force out there in the universe that is smiling on me. It sounds weird, but I felt something when I saw the church and I had to get inside. I was obsessed, right. I don't know why. People have suggested that it's just the wanting to go somewhere you're not allowed but it wasn't that. It was something else, just this sense of mystery shrouding this big old building, I knew there was probably nothing of interest inside, but I had to go in anyway.

So I was walking by the window that was previously unbroken. I was with some guy I had just met a few minutes ago and I was showing him the window, when I saw that it was open. As luck would have it, I had my guitar with me. It was the middle of the day and no one was around and I was with someone else. If i had been alone I may have been a little more hesitant to go searching a place that's potentially dangerous.

Anyway entering the broken window wasn't hard. I found myself in a basement room with a lot of wood crap on the floor. Turns out there were about five or so levels in total. That's one big fucking church. The next floor up had a sort of empty gymnasium like room, probably used as a community space at one time, for bingo or dances or something. In the middle of the ceiling of that room was a square hole cut out where random pieces of junk had been thrown down. Weird. We went upstairs to the main floor, the actual church. Light was filtering in the windows, spiral staircases and old mattresses, bricks and a broken fan cut from the ceiling, a site where the altar used to be, now just a torn hole in the wall. Some brilliant graffiti. There's this one im going to post, it's a huge drawing, black and white, of this girl looking so sad. And it must've taken some time, like someone came into this smelly old abandoned church a few times, or stayed here through the night to finish this picture. They really cared about it.

Anyway, moving on, the next few levels were small rooms with pigeons flying around. We found a hole looking right down onto the main level of the church itself, cut away so that the light from the ceiling could come in. Eventually we even got out onto the roof, where someone had spraypainted "GOD'S DEAD."

I disagree. But he doesn't live here any more.

I cannot communicate the sheer size of this building until I show some pictures. It's massive, it's the best squat I have ever seen, so many people could live here. I found evidence that people HAD lived there.

The guy that I was with at the time said something like 'this is god's property', and I said, 'no it's not, it's mine. it belongs to me. God said I could have it." i was just joking at the time, but that's how i really feel. This is my place; it's my place. God gave me this place. It was a place of worship, filled up with one kind of energy, reverence. Then it became a shelter for people with no where else to go, or people who just didn't want to go home. I know that feeling; I don't want to go home yet, just let me stay here a little longer. And that gives it a different kind of energy. Combine that with the good times of people getting wasted in there (and there was LOTS of beer cans) and you get a very interesting feeling. When I go in, I can feel the leftover energy of all that shit, of the person painting the picture of the black and white girl.

The reason I'm giving this a lot of meaning and not just "I went into a cool abandoned church" was because of how it happened. I could've broken in, or not broken in, but I didn't have to; it was open to me as I passed by just at the right moment, with my guitar.

Have you ever played such an instrument in a place where there's nothing but empty space and the sound of your own voice reverbrating off the walls? Every note I sang was holy there, it didn't matter what it was about. It wasn't just coincedence that I went by with the guitar, it was something special. It was like someone telling me, I know you want to see it, let me show you, let me give you the chance to be alone with your thoughts in this sacred place, and you can play your songs and let all the ghosts of people's emotions living here hear them.

It's my place.

The Creepy Church

2005-05-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

I fell in love in Quebec City. I think endlessly day and night of nothing else but my love. I wish it was a guy, or a girl, even of only average good lookingness, but it's the creepy, old, abandoned church near St. Jean st.

It's called St. Vincent De Paul. I think about getting in there all the time. I have to know what's inside. There was a fire, a long time ago i think, it's been boarded up for years. Across the front door the word 'SQUAT' is spraypainted in big letters. But there's no one living there. I know because i've been walking by day and night, peering in. I mean, there could be. But what I think happened is that there was a fire, they closed up the church, and after so many people started living there, junkies and the like, they finally boarded it up so good so that no one could get in.

No one, except me.

I've looked at every possible entrance. It's almost airtight. There is a broken window, but it's covered by an old, rusty metal grate. If i put my face to the grate, i can feel that the air inside the church is so cold. It smells like rotten wood. There is an inch of water covering the floor. There are tags and graffiti all over wall. People WERE there, they might not be anymore, but it's like I can smell a thousand painful stories of people with nowhere else to go, people who thought it would be cool to hang in an old church.

I checked out every entrance. There are two possible ways in: The grate on one window has been loosened and there is a single pane between me and the inside of the basement. But it has an alarm sticker on it and i'm willing to wager if broken a silent (or not silent) alarm will go off. I don't really want to be charged with trespassing or anything, so unless I can find no other way in, and this creepy ass old church just continues to haunt my dreams, It's a last resort.

There is one other window, covered by a few nailed boards. But one board is loose enough that it might be opened with a rock or a good kick. Problem is that you have to climb up to get to the window, and there's a little ledge to rest on but nothing to brace yourself against to kick at it. If i could get in there, I'd be in the basement. The idea of this almost deters me because there's no natural light down there, and it would be super hard to find one's way around, one's way upstairs. Once upstairs, it's possible that the floor could collapse: it's condemned for a reason. It has been sitting under an inch of water and mold for years. But the reason it scares me is the idea of shining a flashlight around, and the chance that that single beam of light could light upon something more grim; maybe a dead body. Maybe a spirit. Maybe a vengeful ghost.

I walked by at night, and got the most eerie feeling. I mean, it is a big building, looming against the dark, but how can no one live there? I mean, homeless people are very resourceful. If i can find a way in, anyone can find a way in. I watched and listened; no lights, no sound. Maybe people are avoiding this place. Why isn't ANYONE taking advantage of a huge spacious perfectly good building? And why hasn't it been repaired, or torn down?

There's something entirely unholy about it, and it dominates my thoughts. I'll get in, or i might just die trying.

I'm On The Rag.

2005-05-10T15:06:00.000-07:00

I think i'm on the rag. Which wouldn't be so strange except that I haven't had it in a year. Not because I'm unhealthy, but I took the depo shot. Women asked me, 'don't you miss having your period?'

....

what? why would i MISS that? the only reason I stopped is because it's like kind of bad for your body, it takes the calcium out of your bones and I know I already have wussy bones as it is. But I'm done fucking around with my body for now. I'm going to try something new: not fucking. Oh I know, it sounds very dramatic, but I just don't need to pop out any children right now. And by 'not fucking' I mean no more one night stands for now. I just don't need the hassle. I just need a break. I just need to be a good girl.

It's summer and it's time to try new things on for a change. I'm going back to my natural hair color. I'm getting a tan. I'm not fucking. Oh don't worry, I'm not going to be a valley girl or anything, but I think I'm going to wander over to the other pasture for a few days to see if the grass really is greener. Essentially I think I'm a little too corrupted to ever really change my ways.

Anyway so I guess I'm on the rag. Miss it? Why would i have MISSED it? of all the annoying, inconveniencing things that could happen to you, bleeding out my cooter is not something I miss. I do not feel that menstruation brings me closer to my woman self, nor does watching 'the Notebook'. I know I'm a woman. I'm all good with that.

But really, I can appreciate the whole 'moon cycle' dealy. It's actually pretty neat. I just don't feel a need to exploit something that seems so obvious. Like I don't need to constantly talk about the fact that I have a nose on my face, and wear shirts that say "I have a nose, deal with it." or like, get really uppity because some people don't think my nose is cute. It's just something that's obvious to me. But I guess not to everyone. I guess there are some women who are like, out of touch with themselves, or repressed, repressed sexuality, ashamed of their gender, ashamed of their naughty bits, whatever.

It just seems so strange that people should spend their time locked away in these little mental prisons, incapable of moving forward because of issues that are just, what, fictitious, immaterial. They're not real. They don't exist, yet they have a direct bearing on things that are real.

That's so weird.

So I guess it is important to like, 'celebrate being a woman', just because I don't especially feel special about it doesn't mean that someone else doesn't need to.

I'm going to learn to skateboard if it kills me.

Noodles

2005-05-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

After a safe arrival in Montreal, I was like 'how the fuck am I going to get to Quebec City?' and then I said to myself, 'just chill in montreal a while, going to Quebec is too much effort today.' so thats what I did, and then I went to Quebec City today. And now I'm here. I hung out with my friend in Montreal and we drank beer and ate noodles, two of my favourite things! Then i fell asleep during SLC punk. Goddamnit! Drinking beer and watching movies do not go together for me. As soon as I get beer in me I either fall asleep, or act rowdy. There doesn't seem to be much in between. So I fell asleep.

my septum piercing is getting itchy. And also I'm still coughing from that fucking pneumonia. Fuck you, pneumonia! Fuck you, lungs!

Anyway, so here's what I've been thinking about lately because I know you're dying to know what goes on in my dirty little brain.

I know this guy, he's real smart. He knows a lot about politics. He knows like, about every group of people that was ever oppressed in like, all of history. He knows about all struggles and all revolutions and uprisings and he knows all about like, who's really controlling who, shit about corporations, you get it right. Anyway, he's constantly talking politics. Constantly. every time i see him, hes having a moral or political debate. And this guy is like, dedicated. He lives by his ideals and he has a lot of passion to change the world. My friends are like, reverent of him. They're like "he's going to change the world, he's so smart', and I agree.

But here's the thing, because of course, there's ALWAYS a thing;

Right off the bat, when someone acts like they know something, whether or not they actually know it, it makes me suspicious. Like I mean when they act REALLY sure of themselves, especially if they're young. And it's easy to feel sure of yourself about stuff like, poverty is bad, corporations cause poverty, corporations are bad we must kill them. Because a lot of the time that's the 'right' way to feel and only logical. But when you're in your early 20's and you have rock hard opinions about the way the world is in totality, like you have no doubts about the way EVERYTHING is, i'm inclined to think of you as a bit of an idiot. Not because you're not smart, and not because you don't know a lot of things, and not because you aren't RIGHT, but because things are often more than one way. And in order to learn that, I think you need to be open at all times. Which involves not getting set in your opinions.

For instance (and I got really excited when my friend said this because it was exactly what I was saying the other day...I think I yelled and frightened him a little) the only thing I know is that I don't know a hell of a lot about anything. I know SOME things, but by no means do I pretend to know exactly how the whole world works, and people's motives for doing things. I guess this is what made me a little mistrustful of this guy, he came off as if he knew exactly why everyone did the things they did and what they would have to do to change things. Like, let's say 'poor people are victimized'.

yeah. Ok. But lets examine the TRUE FACT that although most poor people are victimized, there ARE people who are just fucking tards and no amount of education or like, philosophy will make them change because theyre... i dont know. Unchangeable. Now, I'm the first to advocate for poor people and I know how it is to be poor in Canada...I can only imagine how it is to be REALLY poor. So I'm not saying that it's my opinion that poor people are keeping themselves that way. But YOU CANNOT JUST MAKE BLANKET STATEMENTS ABOUT EVERYTHING because life doesn't work like that. I feel that this guy was like, not open to examining the possibility that maybe everything he's decided isn't exactly right. And I think that when you do that, about whatever, be it religion, politics, or even yourself, you can learn a lot more and really REALLY know what you think. If you explore the possibility that you DONT know everything, and that you COULD be wrong, i think it's easier, in the end, to really know instead of just thinking you know. I mean once people say they absolutely know something you can be sure that they dont know. There was some clever quote from 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' that I want to insert here but I don't know it.

anyway, another thing about this situation is that when I asked this guy about if he ever questions himself, he couldnt comprehend my question. As a reply to every question I asked he went off on a tangent about some issues. When really I wasnt talking about any issue in specific, which signifies to me that hes not a good listener, right. And i dont mean, 'do you question things' because obviously that how he got to where he was, questioning authority, materialism, north american values, i mean really questioning YOURSELF. Questioning yourself isnt the same as doubting what you believe in. Its not the same as saying 'I think I must be wrong.''

I guess he was getting kind of offended, but I can accept that like, other people probably think im an idiot a lot of the time, or at least that im kind of annoying and still like me. He probably thought I was a raging moron. But really, I have this issue with ANYONE who talks like that, whether i think they DO know a lot or whether i think they know nothing at all. It's just about being cock-sure really. That's a terrible word to use but its really the one im thinking of. Synonyms?

anyway, I talk a lot too and I often tune out when people are talking becuase I just have a short attention span so I'm not pointing any fingers. But it's interesting that I'm like, the only person that isn't in awe of this guy. I know hes really smart, i don't think he's like, stupid, but a little foolish. And aren't we all in different ways? any one who is young is usually foolish and usually the best way to stop being foolish is to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN.

Yeah I need more practice at that too.

mmmmm noodles.

Good-Bye BC

2005-05-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

Well, in three days I'm off to Quebec for a lot of good francophone fun. The french-canadian phrases I now know include "'je ne parle pas la francais" "oue la salle de bain" "comment alles-vouz" and "vous les vous vene avec moi chez mes ami" which i THINK means "do you want to come back to my friends house with me"

I just realized that when you start typing something into the little bar at the top of the internet browser, the website with corresponding letter will come up. Like if i type in www.dep then, 'www.depravedandhorny.blogspot.com' will come up. Which is fine except this is my dads comptuer and last thing i need is for him to read THIS particular blog or know anything about my personal life in general. Oh sure, it's fine for random strangers to know, but NOT MY DAD!

hmm I sure he wont find it, he can barely use the DVD player.

I'm sure going to miss all my friends. But adventure and frenchness awaits!

Cheesy Snot Cheese

2005-04-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

There is nothing cooler than subtleties in movies. It's my favourite thing. I love to watch movies that i've already seen a bunch of times, and like, pick out things I never noticed before, like little symbolic things, people that were placed at certain angles, a sign hung in the background, someone holding on to something while delivering a critical line, these little things you never notice that make the movie so much better.

I love movies that are so stylized and cool, like the Lemony Snicket movie with Jim Carrey. It's kind of silly, and it's funny, but the costumes and the house set ups are sooo neat. There is nothing I loathe more than movies that are all just computer animated. Like....hmm...VAN HELSING the cheesy snot cheese of crappiness. I like costumes and cool imagery but i dont like stupid fake looking animation.

The other day my roommate rented "Electra", the sequel or shoot off to the mind numbing "Daredevil', a film that easily damages more of my neurons due to its badness than a week long acid trip would. Anyway, this whole movie, Electra, is an hour and a half of close up shots of her looking pensive....now looking sad....now looking mysterious....and its all. the. same. face.

I feel like when they shot this movie everyone showed up to the set, and they were like, 'ok heres skimpy costume numbers one two three and five, can we get a little more bronze on her? ok....wait, oh shit, no one wrote any dialogue to this movie! quick, someone get me a napkin, let me jot down the script."

like, its the most boring movie without any of the little brilliant quirks in dialogue or symbolism that makes movies so cool. Its pablum! then again, after like, half an hour I couldnt watch anymore. That whole byronic hero thing is cool the dark and mysterious troubled hero, thats all good, but GIVE HER SOME MEANING FUL DIALOGUE AND QUIT WITH THE CLOSE UPS ON HER BODY!!!

fuckers./

Issues

2005-04-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

This blog is quickly becoming my self-evaluation time. I'm really not obsessed with myself, but i am at that age where I do things that I don't understand. I don't like to do wrong things and be the one who's wrong, and so I like to understand why I do things and what not.

I have some issues i need to deal with. Im ok with like, admitting that I'm a bit fucked up but I cannot abide not just dealing with it and getting on with it. however, there are times when you just cant move on and I feel kind of stuck in a rut.

It's relieveing to think that all this contemplation is normal. I contemplate a lot of things but the only things i can't immediately resolve are things that are about me, because im on every different side of the issue. You know?

Issue # 1: Sexuality. I'm so sick of this but it's still a problem. It seems like the more I accept that I'm a sexual person but I'm ok with that, the more it becomes a problem. Maybe sex and intimacy can't be divided. I feel like I can...I can just have a good time with someone, and connect with them on other levels too, but the two don't have to be joined at the hip. The problem with having an ideal like that is that it doesn't work if both people don't feel the same and I don't think most people can disconnect that emotional attachment. I feel like I might have to change my lifestyle to make sure that people really get to know me and not JUST my sexual side (because once they find out about it seems like they don't care about anything else).

So, I have to re-evalated this whole thing. Whether or not IM ok with my sexuality and my openness (which I am), it still doesn't mean it's a workable practice.

Issue #2 : My mom. This seems to be the one I can't deal with. Fact: it is very possible, if not probably, that my mom could die soon or suffer a major stroke. However, I never prepared for the fact that she could just get sick and die all of a sudden. And I can't seem to stop being SO sensitive about it. I should look on the bright side, right? be like "shes not going to die, she could just as well live through it", but i just cant stop obsessing about what I'm going to do without a mother. I just turned nineteen, its my first year away from home, my first year at college, and I need my mom, everyone has their mom at this time, you call home and you're like 'im so homesick, sometimes this is so hard" and other times youre like "this is so great its the best time of my life'

im not prepared to not have her. It never even factored in which is why i can't stop being so sensitive about it. The problem is, every time I see her, every little thing sets me off. The other day she told me that she takes eight T3's a day for her pain management, and I know she still is in a huge amount of pain. It breaks my heart to see her looking so emaciated and sickly when she was strong and healthy just 2 years ago. But I cant seem to make it stop bothering me SO much. Every time i get a phone call and hear that something bad happened, every time I see her and shes got a new cut because her skin is thinning (thanks to a miracle drug prednazone) and every little thing she brushes up against makes her bleed, it breaks my heart again. Every time. And every other week im mr. fucking mopey, talking to my friends, going on about it. I dont want to think about it, and be ever sensitive about it. Its been going on for awhile now, these phone calls about constant pain or a new (negative) development, even just the serious tone of her voice when she says "in october, I might not be around" and i just think... dont even say it, just dont say it. I cant even handle it, im SO sensitive. And im going to just have to stop brooding, and stop getting so depressed about a situation I have no control over.

I got drunk last night in honor of becoming nineteen, and before I went out I said to myself, "ok dusty, no getting serious tonight. No getting depressed about THE SITUATION and no talking to your friends about it (I hate to just be constatntly going to my friends with my problems, they deserve a break, y'know?)
but of course by the end of the night I was plastered and all emotional and I said to my best friend, 'do you promise to take care of me? If my mom dies, will you take care of me?' and I quickly snapped out of it but GEEZ i cant seem to go one day without becoming this vulnerable child who's lost in a mall and realizes that her mom is really missing. I mean, I cant just keep obsessing, can I?

Issue # 3 And Final. And EVERYONE is gonna love this one.
I. Can't. Stop. The. Cutting. There, i said it. I had done really well for a long time in dealing with my sad feelings by whatever, talking to my friends. But the other day a combination of my whole mom thing plus other factors plus i was just so overwhelmed with school, I was totally messed up and very upset. I knew i could go home and take a bath, talk to friends, and slowly, slowly I would feel better. But I knew the fastest way to feel better was to take up the ole razor blade. And that was like, whatever. I have my rules. Im no crazy lady, I dont cut deep, I dont cut long, just one minute and thats all, now stop, no more.

It sound so bad, doesn't it? think of it like this, Im not out of control, i almost NEVER do it, i dont smoke, i dont take drugs (much) and i dont fuck to make myself feel better. ( or maybe i do, who knows)

anyway, I did feel better after. And i havent been feeling badly since, its summer, its hot out, im excited about my travel plans and im feeling happy. But Ive just had the overwhelming urge to do it anyway. And I think, is there some kind of deep down problem im repressing? No. not even. I could dredge up old problems but im just not that troubled by any one thing. Because like I said, I try not to obsess about my mom. I try to just live my life. But I feel like I want to feel my blood leaving my body. When I have these secret little cuts, on my hip, down by my ankle, when im out with friends I just put my fingers on them and smile, ive got a secret that no one knows about. Im being bad and fucked up on purpose. We strive so hard in life to overcome our problems, sublimate our bad qualities and habits. Its a bad habit really, and Im being bad in indulging in it.

The most interesting thing is that I stayed away from this particular indulgence because i was using it as a way to deal with my bad feelings, and I knew i needed a more productive way to deal with them. So i didn't do it. But that one time that I did, just a while ago...now I want to all the time, even when I feel happy.

And i'm doing it. But its nothing serious. Its not about deep and permanent or painful cuts. Its about.....this secret feelin, Im walking around with wet blood on my ankle and nobody knows, only I know. And they're nothing but scratches realy, they fade quickly and dont leave a mark.

And i suppose that I'll just get bored of it after a while. But its like, a sign of mental illness and so i feel that i should not indulge, even though its next to nothing, its a tiny scratch here and there, now and again. And I cant show anyone but I want to. Im sickly proud of the marks. I want to show everyone. But i know theres no deep like, unhappiness behind it and so how could i explain? i cant explain. I dont know why I want to do it but i do, in a safe and minimal manner. Is it any crazier than smoking? filling your lungs up intentionally three times a day or more with chemicals that you KNOW take five minutes off the end of your life every time you smoke? is it any more or less of an addiction? Is it more or less masochistic?

I could never do this, but i have a vision of myself with cuts everywhere, down my arms, on my face, my hands, my breasts. up and down and diagonal across everywhere. And eveyrone would see it. Like the fantasy of having sex in a public place, where people can see you..

So

its come that time to start dealing with these stubborn issues that dont seem to want to be dealt with.

-Dusty

Violently Happy

2005-04-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it was my birthday. Amid other things we saw some hot strippers and I got really wasted. All day people were like "it's your birthday, you can do anything you want today" and "we can do whatever you want, its your birthday" and like "I should be buying YOU drinks on your birthday!" and all kinds of things. like on this one day I become someone so important that I should just have whatever I want and everyone should do whatever I want. Although I was happy that my friends were spending time with me, I felt uncomfortable that everyone just wanted to like appease me in any way possible.

The reason I felt uncomfortable with that is because like, I want to be special yeah, but all the time, not just on one day. I dont want people to like, be super nice to me on ONE day, but just nice to me in general all the time. I am the same person today that I was yesterday, but somehow today i'm ten times less special.

What is my obsession with wanting to be important? like you know how your friends talk about this one person thats so cool because they can do this, or they know that or they're like this and your friends go "man, he is just awesome. He's so incredible" or whatever. I feel like I need to attract attention. I know, this is like, weird and insecure. I feel like i need to be that important person that peopel say "wow, she is just incredible" about. Why? I think part of it is that I have the little sister syndrome, I've always been the youngest, so I'm always trying to get the attention of people talking over me. When I was a kid I was just as loud as possible at all times so that someone would notice me. Now all my friends are older than me and I guess I'm still just trying to get notice, 'hey guys, hey guys, wait up, can I come too? Hey guys, guess what. Hey! Hey guess what!! Hey! guess what!!!"

I think also it has to do with just my hatred of mediocrity. I cannot abide by things that are mediocre. I cannot tolerate mediocrity in people , books, life, anything, and so it carries over onto me. Its not enough to be GOOD at something, I want to be great at everything. And so far, it's worked pretty good, I feel like im skilled at a lot of things and I try hard in everything I do. I figure why do something if you only want to do it halfway?

I guess that's what being in love is for, though, right, that one person to whom all your fault quirks and strengths are dogma. That one person to whom you are different despite having the same characteristics as anyone else. That one person who says "dusty is like no one i have ever met. She is totally unique". But maybe I'm romanticizing, love is often bickering over who filled up the gas tank last.

I'm feeling masochistic today. Not in a sexual way either. I want to hurt myself. I want to fall off my skateboard. I don't feel bad, I feel happy, but.....violently happy. My friend was telling me about this one time that we were hanging out and I was really drunk (I didnt remember until he told me) and he cut his hand while drumming and I got really excited and I was like "i'll cut myself and we can both be bleeding!" and he was like no no but I was really hyper about the idea and i was like "no, give me an exacto knife, I'll bleed with you OK?" and he said that I got so excited that it was kind of creepy. Of course I didn't do anything, but then i remembered said incident and said, "oh yeah, I just wanted to be bleeding" and he said "yeah, that's what you said."

I guess I just want to be bleeding today.

the leaky oil gasket

2005-04-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

I fixed my car today. Although I have only ten days left to use it, my dad and I bled the brakes, found a pertinent oil leak (in said gasket) and did some other shit, checked the timing belt and what not. It makes me feel so powerful just to sit in my car with the music on, because, like, it's MY car. I own it, I fixed it up (I helped to fix it up anyway) I vamped the inside with accessories, and like me, the car just looks like this tiny little scarred warrior. The paint is chipped, it's rusty, parts of it are different colors or are breaking off...this thing is small but scary.

I mean, I feel that people use cars too much, and I really have no need of a car, considering that due to a burnt valve ive been going without this one for about a month now, getting around almost just fine. But it just makes me feel so good to have the freedom to go wherever I want, whenever I want. And i guess people who live in cities can do that, that's why im excited to be moving to the city soon, but you cant really in medium sized towns because after dark, its very isolated, things are far away, sometimes its cold cause i live in Canada, a million reasons not to go anywhere.

I just like to go I guess.

Happy almost birthday to me!

party.

2005-04-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

Do I really like parties? I say I do. But I often feel kind of lost in the bustle of drunken people being silly and talking about nothing. I like parties because they're a relief from being so serious all the time. I feel like I'm so serious all the time, and really I'm silly all the time. But that's not how I feel, that's just how I act.

My friend told me that when I'm feeling disconnected from everyone, I should pray to God. And although I'm very enamored with the idea that praying to God will make me feel better, I'm not sure that's the case. Because what is a prayer but a wish? You say "dear god, please bless so and so, and please let this and that happen, and thank you for this and that" or whatever manner you choose to pray in. Now don't get me wrong, praying is good, but when you're feeling isolated I don't know that it will make you feel any less isolated.

maybe I'll try anyway just to make my self feel better. What is it that I'm feeling? Left out? no. Sad? not exactly, just that lost-at-the party, dont wanna be alone but dont wanna be surrounded by a hundred people feeling.

2005-04-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

I was walking to my last radio show the other night, and it was super nice out. No one was around but the air was warm and it was twilight. I'm glad that the weather has gotten warmer because I've been feeling really disconnected with just nature and outside.

anyway, so I was walking by myself, looking at the sky and thinking that Chopin was right on with the C minor nocture. I mean, it's brilliant, really. We come alive at night, in such a different way than in the day. At night it's like we've entered this whole different world with different levels of communication and different realities. I become more introspective, less frantic.

At night, on a warm summer night, I can really connect with someone, it's easier to just connect on this deeper level, because it's so quiet all around you, and it's like the stillness of the air amplifies a person. Like, in the busyness of the day sometimes you can't hear the subtleties of a person or their emotions, but when it's so quiet and peaceful... in the day, it's like putting your ear against a heavy door to try to hear what's on the other side, and at night it's more like just opening the door wide so it's simple.

At night sometimes I feel like I'm remembering something about myself that I've forgotten. When I was younger, and walking by myself somewhere, I used to feel like there was something ancient in me, but something I couldn't really tap into. Like I used to be someone else, but I had amnesia, and I only had that sense that I had these secrets that were even secrets to me. But as I got older I forgot that I used to be someone else and became absorbed with boys and music and what not and forgot about whatever i'd forgotten about. But the night seems to strip away everything that doesn't matter and I can feel clearly the hidden things in me like locked treasure chests that I can touch, but can't open. I can feel them and I know they're there, but I can't get in, I can't get deep enough inside myself to know what mysteries I used to know.

At night I can remember that the only thing in life that will really fulfill me is finding my purpose. I know that I'm here for a reason, and the grand search for the place where you fit in is life. Sometimes I feel a stillness growing within myself, the likes of which I have never known before. It's like there's something inside me that's becoming agitated with the unimportant things. I feel like I'm coming closer to a time where I'll leave everything material behind me and pursue my fate.

At night I know all sound are amplifed and all experiences, and so I know I'm amplified too, and it's the only good chance I have of telling someone who I am. Not by telling them, but by revealing the things that get forgotten about in the bustle of daytime.

On a warm summer's night any experience can last forever, any kiss is the most romantic, but it doesn't matter, because when the dawn comes, that experience just fades away like a dream, and you part with the night like two lovers going separate ways, and that doesn't carry over into the day, it only kind of sits in the back of your mind.

I Have Pneumonia.

2005-04-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

That's right. I have goddamn pneumonia and also finals. Of course. Not that it's a huge problem, but like, this whole non stop hacking and coughing thing has got to stop. Right now.

In two weeks I'm leaving Kamloops and it makes me kind of sad. I made a surprising amount of really good friends here. It was my first time living on my own and I had such a blast. I made a lot of really good connections but I guess it's time to keep moving on.

After not wanting to make close emotional connections to people for so long, it seems like all of a sudden I want to get close to all my friends that i've been 'neglecting.' Im not sure if it's because im moving away or because of the weather...now that it's so nice out, I feel more energized.

However, it's so hard to find time to just talk with people and be alone with them.

I met two really special people lately, just these totally amazing people. The first one is so special because they don't have a single bit of irony in them. You know? they're not jaded or bitter or ironic or sardonic in the least, almost childlike in how hopeful, optimistic and just totally honest they are. It's hard to maintain that once you get older and start experiencing things. This person takes me back to like, when I was a kid, I didn't know much about life and I was just totally positive and hopeful. But you lose that innocence when you start realizing what kinds of things really go on in life, and I've never met anyone who could have all that experience but also maintain so much positive energy.

The other person was someone that I was just attracted to without knowing why, they just exuded confidence and sexiness. But upon like, getting to know them, I realized this person is so much like me, we notice the same subtleties in life and are on the same page about a lot of things. Also, this person is so non-judgemental and sensitive.. someone who can really pick up on things and is honest with people. I guess honesty really means a lot to me. It's just so cool that this person has no pretences and never plays head games with people, and is able to appreciate all the good things about different people instead of just picking up on faults.

anyway, im starving and sick of waxing lyrical about people that are great. I'm fucking great and so is food so I'm going to get some.

Days of the New doesn't care what you think about them.

2005-04-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

Every time I come to my dad's house, we eat steak. I can only imagine how often he eats steak when I'm not here. Hmmmm.

So here's what I've been thinking about; how important, REALLY, how important are other people's opinions? I mean, we all say ''it doesnt matter what anyone thinks, as long as you're happy." right. And that's the general consensus. But everyone is influenced to some degree by the will of others. The way we interact with people, how we talk to them and respond to them has some basis in how we want them to think of us.

Oscar wilde said ''a man's character can be judged by the influence he has over his friends" or something like that. And I kind of think that might be fair. i mean, first, we need to realize that some people will just not like us, or will be in a different place than us and we can't all understand each other and get along. but what about the people that DO understand you or are supposed to? If I asked your friends about your character, what would they say?

Your friends who have spent time with you of course, I don't mean like, acquaintances.

But here's the thing; I still react to people in a manner that i can get my point across but I will still come off a certain way. Like if someone pisses me off, i will tell them off or whatever, but in a manner that still makes me seem intelligent. Like I don't just start calling them an idiot and yelling and getting offended. Why? I really think it is because i care what they think. I want to come across as someone who is intelligent. We DO want to give people impressions of ourselves. Is that the same as caring what others think? Obviously, if I make an effort to come across a certain way, its because i want that person to think that way of me. if i didn't care at all, I wouldn't worry about being polite or articulate or anything. I mean, politeness is based in what other peopel think. You act polite so people don't think you're rude. People aren't just born polite, it's a social nicety that they learn to present themselves a certain way.

Another thing; we often change the context in which things happened to prove a point to someone. Like, if i had a discussion with a teacher last week who gave me a bad mark, and i felt the outcome was unfair, when I tell that story to a friend, I might relate what the teacher said with a slightly different tone or I paraphrase a little. Because i want to make it seem like it was really unfair, right, because thats how i feel it was. But if the teacher said ''im very sorry, but you didnt turn in your assignment and Ï can't be expected to favour you.'' in like, a neutral way, and i was angry about what happened, I'll probably say it more like " she was like "'oh, you didn' t turn in that assigment, do you think I'll favour you?"
or something.

You know what I'm talking about. We've all done it. And the outcome is that our friend or whoever we are telling the story to make it seem like we're in the right. Because if we were totally honest about how the situation happened and what everyone said, our friend might say "well, it sounds like you were the one who sabotaged yourself by not turning in the assignment." and thats not what we want to hear. We want sympathy. But we care about how we look in whatever situation because we want our friends to get the sense that we were the victor/victim whether or not that was the case. Is that the same as caring what people think about us? if in a situation we are sort of the bad guy, we don't tell the story like that.

Am i making my point clear?

what i'm asking is, if we do these small unconscious daily things, making people like us, caring what people think about our attitudes or actions, are we saying that it does matter, on some level, what our friends think of us? Then does it matter what people who aren't our friends think of us? our coworkers, bosses, acquaintances, the friends of our girlfriends and boyfriend? On some level, I know we all seek someone's approval. At what point does it become a problem? Where is the line where people say "it really doenst matter what people think of you.'

whoa, the singer from Days of the New is on meth. Im looking at him on TV right now, I guess thats why days of the new isnt around anymore, the guy is a methhead. I liked Days of the New.

Little Miss Petty Pants

2005-04-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

Ok. So there's this girl in my German class. I never noticed her before, until this one day when I came into class talking with my friend. My friend sat down, and I sat down beside her. I happened to be sitting between my friend and this other girl. And I'm just talking so I don't notice this girl, right. And she blurts out really loudly "THAT'S MICHEAL'S SPOT!"

.... wtf? Is this fucking kindergarten? Ok, so she sits next to this guy every day. It's so obvious that she like, loves him because she's constatntly hanging off him and like, she's married! And so is he! anyway, maybe it was just because it was eight o clock in the morning, and i was a little cranky, but i turned, a look of disbelief in my eyes like "oh you DIDNT just try to pull some bullshit "im saving this seat!" crap on me!" and i said...

"Yeah well I don't see his name on it."

WHAT?? where did that come from? This is something that happened a little while back but I'm never so blantantly rude and snappy. But come on, its 8 am and im not going to be like 'oh, oh, im SO sorry, now you that you've so rudely yelled at me to vacate this seat of course i'm going to oblige and be really nice to you."come on, it's college for christ's sake. So when I said that, she got up in a huff and moved across the room. Incidentally, Micheal her love didn't even show up that day to class.

Incident # 2: my friend is having some trouble understading verb tenses or something. Im sitting across the desk from her, helping to explain it. The bitchy chick is sitting next to her. my friend is showing me a piece of paper with the tenses on it and saying 'see, i don;t understand..." so i start writing the verb endings on the paper like "ok, this is the male one, this is the neuter one" and the bitchy chick goes "EXCUSE ME. Do you MIND? that's MY paper." and snatches it out from under us. Ok first I don't understand why it was on my friends desk, but hoooooly shit. I will get you another fucking piece of paper if it's that big of a deal you big fucking baby! like, this is a woman with two children! what is her problem? its a fucking piece of paper, CHILLAX!

anyway, its apparent that she has it out for me. And this is no longer high school and im not the weird unpopular kid that has to sit in the corner and get pushed around by skinny pasty faced bitches like her. There was this other time after that where like, me and my friend were joking around about something we had learned that we didnt get, and we were just making stupid comments and laughing, and she turns to her friend and goes "they are SO stupid."

ok so after that whenever someone sat in that one spot, my friends an I would always go, "THATS MICHEALS SPOT!" semi-loudly. and every time i see her in the hall, I cant help but grab my closest friend and go "do you see that girl? she's the super bitch of the century. You wont believe the way she acts, just like she's in grade three or something"

I mean, granted, i was just minding my own business and this chick seems to have got her hate on for me, and the thing I accuse her of is pettyness, but after awhile I realized that I just look reaaal petty for like, gossiping about the TWO things she ever did to offend me. And i just cant stop because, well, I feel attacked. Like what did I do? And what gives her the right to act so childish when she's older than me, with two children? So i responded in a petty childish way. But I'm being a huge hypocrite by being like "oh my god, do you see her blah blah, SHE's so petty"

Long story short I'm going to stop since schools over and I dont have to look at her ugly mug anymore anyway, and like, yeah I hope that whole acting like a baby thing works out for her, its just interesting that i got so carried away with being offended by her very presence. When really, I could just act like an adult.

A whole series of me's.

2005-04-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

sn002.jpeg
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

uh huh

2005-04-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

dusty2
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

dusty037

2005-04-14T22:15:00.001-07:00

dusty037
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

dusty028

2005-04-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

dusty028
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

100_0713

2005-04-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

100_0713
Originally uploaded by dustyriot.

Bubble Tea Is my Voluptuous Downfall

2005-04-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Ok I'm operating at the rate of two blogs per day these last few days but it's like, soon i'll be up to my ears in studying and I won't touch a computer so whatever.

Short summary of my day: After music class, hustle to translate thirteen questions in German and locate a tape recorder to do an interview with a German lady. Discover that I actually have to have the questions memorized. Memorize thirteen questions such as "Was meinen Sie, ist die haupt underscheid zwischen Deutschland und Kanada?" and "Sind die Deutschen Universitaten mehr oder weniger herausfordernd?", which would be ok, except for the word HERAUSFORDERND which is very difficult to say.

Book it to Japanese class. Cut half of class to go actually DO interview. Fuck up on the word "unterscheid' and say 'unterschied' instead. Return tape recorder and get to spanish class in time for a test, then an oral exam in which my teacher asked 'what do your parents want to do for you?' what? what does that even mean in english? What do they want to DO for me? They don't want to do squat for me!

Realize that i never did the spanish homework and must turn it in late tomorrow. In one hour must meet Japanese partner to hammer out the details of our Japanese oral exam.

Oh, i know, I brought it on myself. I find that I often make myself so busy so I don't have to think. Now that's a little creepy. Even when I HAVE a spare moment, I invent things for myself to do. Then I'm too busy to finish that. What's my problem?

recipe for bubble tea (the milky kind): cook bubbles for forty minutes in boiling water.
Turn off water and let sit for forty more minutes.
Rinse in cold water until water runs clear.
Put in enough water to cover bubbles.
Mix 1 part sugar for every three parts water- so if measuring water by the cup or spoon, add one cup/spoon sugar with every third cup/spoon of water.
Add honey to taste-about one to one and a half cups or so.
Mix 3 spoons of bubble tea powder with 3 spoons powdered milk.
Add hot water.
Add 3/4 cup of ice
Add 1 fl. oz ( I think) of sugar syrup (thats melted sugar honey and water).
Add bubbles and/or jellies.
Shake vigorously.
Serve cold with a big fat straw.

(recipe not guaranteed)

I Am Horny.

2005-04-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

I am horny. This does not mean that I will have sex with the first man who comes into my personal sphere. It does not mean that I am 'easy' and that I will have sex with anyone. It does not mean that I have loose morals or loose....other parts. I have the same sexual drive as anyone else. When I mention it, it's not because I'm secretly looking to get fucked. I also mention that I'm hungry, or that I'm sleepy. All normal human functions. Just because i am a woman does not mean that I do not have a sex drive. Just because I am a woman does not mean I cannot control or be up front about my sex drive.

I am bisexual. No, you can't watch. No, you can't videotape. No, I don't want to have a threesome with you and your girlfriend. When I say I am bisexual, IT IS NOT BECAUSE I AM LOOKING TO GET FUCKED. It is not because i am trying to call attention to myself. It is not because i am using my sexuality as a tool to get something. Yes, I am bisexual. I am also a violinist. I am also eighteen years old. I am also Canadian. These are all facts about me. My sexuality is nothing I am ashamed of. Are you ashamed to say you are a heterosexual? When you talk about being straight, it is because you are trying to get attention or 'score' with someone?

I speak three languages. I play two instruments. I act, direct, songwrite, cook, sing, and dance among other things. I am not stupid. I am not a "slut". I respect my body and I have the choice when to use it. If I choose to use it more than other people it is my own choice that is right for me. If i act sexual it is because it is a part of my nature, nothing to be more or less exploited than any other facet of my nature. I am also curious; I act curious. I am also happy; I act happy. I am also intelligent; as such, i act intelligent.

What is a 'slut'...I hear 'she dresses slutty' 'she is a slut'. A slut is someone who does not respect their body and/or uses sex as a tool to either make people like her or get what she wants. The majority of people I know who have been called sluts have self esteem so low it's not even a blip on the radar. The people I know who have been called sluts have also suffered GANG RAPE or abuse. One in three women has been raped. Often being sexual is a way that an abused woman tries to muddle out her feelings about sex and what happened to her.

People who are 'sluts' don't need to be called names. They need to be told that there are other ways to feel empowered other than doing it.

I know my sexual power, and I can use it. But I also know the other powers I have and how to use and not use them also.

My sexuality is my business. Just because i bring up it up in a conversation is not an invitation for you to hit on me. So stop making such a big deal of it, and so will I.

(damn wish i had some perogies)

urgency! urgency! emergency!

2005-04-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

Whoa. So it's my second to last radio show. It happens Wednesdays, 11 pm (gmt time? Is that us? GMT?) and its the second to last one, meaning that the next show is the last one. Right now im listening to "eviscerated necrodaemon of the Bitch Goddess" by Paradise Lust. This song is so cool cause it sounds like they took a cheezy eightys electronic beat and messed it all up. Heh. Anyway,

What's up with everyone being all "bright eyes, bright eyes, they're so great!" To be honest, I hear no greatness. I hear the same unoriginal shite I hear from everyone else. Maybe I'm just not listening hard enough, or I haven't heard enough. But I don't know....( oh me of little faith)

The main issue right now is this song I wrote about my brother. It's really like, fucked up, and it doesn't sound very good except for that fact that it's really sad and angry. I thought about not recording it, but it's something different, and it's definitely It's own moment in time, so i had to. Most important, it's the exact thing i've always wanted to say about my brother. It's the exact sentiment I always wanted to ... say. So that's good, but like, my mom will be like "oh, dusty" and probably get all teary, or else defensive. And then my dad will get all defensive and try to like, argue with me about whether or not my brother's life is anything to be sad about. And my brother probably won't listen to it all, just like he did with the last CD i made.

holy shit it's midnight, I guess I'm off.

I like bumblebees

2005-04-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

You know, I really hate most insects. Grasshoppers and crickets are OK, but I have no particular affinity for them. Spiders I hate. But bumblebees... I can't not like them. On the way home I saw this bumblebee on the sidewalk on it's back, waving it's little legs, all helpless, and I had to like, stop, and pick it up and put it back in the grass.

For as long as I can remember I've always been fascinated with bumblebees, not hornets or wasps or any other kind of flying nest making insect, just the bumbly ones. They're so yellow and black and fuzzy!

Not that this has anything to do with anything, but I find it interesting that I favour bumblebees above all insects.

I drank some aspartame yesterday...and of course, ended up with a headache so severe I couldn't even move...I had to get my roommate to cook me food, and then I was too sick feeling to even eat it. I went to bed at eight thirty and slept the entire night.

Serves me right.

way to go!

2005-04-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

holy shit my friend Hoang's wife had a baby. Will wonders never cease? Like half my friends have kids... is it inevitable?